I wish my Life had a soundtrack.

Seriously.

How cool would that be?

I already have songs playing in my head simultaneously every goddamn day.
But nobody else can hear them.

That's what I would wish for.
That and to fly.

Oh, and true unconditional love with one special person. (You know? My own Edward Cullen)

That, that, and always love...

Our tears create the oceans.

I thought I was fine.
I am fine.

It's just that.....I don't know.
I felt exuberant after I let everything out.
I knew everything would be ok.
I felt like myself.

But last night I started crying when I heard "Anyone Else But You" on the car ride home.
I became anxious when he wouldn't text me back.
(And I tried to not think about it. I knew I was being foolish.)
I cried after I got off the phone with him.

The pain is from loneliness.
He was with friends; and I know I have dear friends that I love very much, but not here in Santa Maria.
He was the only one beside my family that I cared about here.
He was the only one who truly still cared about me when I would come home.
Now, even after our talk and hanging out the few times, I still feel like he is separating himself drastically.

Which I feel is silly because I know we consider ourselves friends, but...
It still hurts soooo much.

And he will always have a piece of me forever.
A part of my heart is attached to his eternally.
So even if he wants to, we can not be separated.

It will be easier when I go back to school.
It always is.
But this time I will devote myself to changing me and growing stronger.
I don't want to repeat my bad habits and mistakes.

And, hey, it's going to be a new year too.

I just need to control my thoughts more and meditate.
Concentrate on my breathing, like he would tell me to.

But maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I just felt like he wasn't treating me so much different from everyone else.
I mean I was always treated different by him because we love each other, but now I feel like he doesn't even treat me like a friend.

Ah, I just needed to get this out and off my chest.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm even hanging out with him.
Tomorrow is what I make it.

My attempt to write something completely different from my writing style...

The dark red night took you and I.
Your arrow pierced my heart more than once.
Now an arrow pierced yours.
And now my blood suffused with passion overfilled until I had to open my mouth and gurgle out those three words.

Your shallow breathing created a lullaby as a I took my sip.
As my poison took its course, you slowly closed you eyes and iridescent colors from memories past swept beneath.


Your lips parted ever so slightly as I laid mine upon them.
Your body shuddered delicately from my touch.

The ground turned crimson to lavender as my feet begun to spin.
I laid down next to you.
Hands clasped.

And together into eternal love we went.

Mmmm...

"Who knows how long I've loved you.
You know I love you still.
Will I wait a lonely lifetime?
If you want me to I will.

And if I ever saw you.
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered.
I will always feel the same

Love you forever, and forever.
Love you with all my heart.
Love you whenever we're together.
Love you when we're apart.

And when at last I find you.
Your song will fill the air.
Sing it loud so I can hear you.
Make it easy to be near you.
For the things you do endear you to me.
OH, you know I will.
I will."

- The Beatles

This song will forever bring tears to my eyes.

Sex Addiction

So I was watching this movie last night on Lifetime called Love Sick: Secrets of a Sex Addict and it made my brain come to the conclusion that sex addiction does not even exist. As does any other addictions.

Addictions stem from insecurity, unhappiness, or any other human emotions. And, yes, I'm well aware that drug addictions cause chemical imbalances within the body making it crave the substance but I believe that any addiction can be overcome with strong will. However, this is not easy to do, not easy at all. That is way so many humans are ravaged by it.

While watching this movie, I could relate with the character. Since I too considered myself a sex addict.

This woman who was called a "sex addict" wasn't at all addicted to sex. It stemmed from her father raping her as a child, her hatred of her marriage, and her unhappiness with her life. All she really wanted was true love and a fairytale romance. She felt that by having sex with all these men she would be loved, which was not the case at all. And even though she repeatedly got hurt over and over by her sexual encounters, she couldn't stop. She needed to change her life.

I could relate to this character's dilemma on a very strong level. Last year I was extremely depressed. Hated myself and what I was doing. I was not addicted to sex. I was trying to fill the emptiness within my soul by using other people.

This was not good at all.
Only you can give yourself true happiness. No one else can.

But now I feel like I'm becoming the person I want to be. I have made many mistakes and repeated them more than once, but I have learned from them.
It has been extremely hard. But I can now look in the mirror and not only recognize myself, but smile a genuine smile.

I think that humans get too caught up in this media controlled, materialistic society.
I am a strong believer that you create your own drama.
It all depends on how you handle a situation, or what path you choose to take, or how strong you are.

Of course, greed, racism, sexism, and straight out corrupt evil do not make humans or the worlds situation any better.

If a true revolution of love is to transpire, it will have to start on an individual level.
Each human being will have to first change their own consciousness...

And that seems more like a dream more and more than anything...

Crayons on the Wall

It was a white wall.
No pictures.
No personality.
No character.

I wanted to fuck it up.
I wanted to fuck it up into a gorgeous oblivion.

Rainbows, flowers, trees with ancient roots.
The colors ran through my veins until my own blood added to the montage of things that made me smile.

Then the blood tuned black.
Marring my depiction of a world gone perfect.
Teardrops, scars, broken hearts.

The archaic monstrosity of human nature obliterated love.
Turned it into this makeuped, "be thin", be quiet, -it's only like the media- concept.
Humans do not know true love, otherwise we would not destroy it so unknowingly.

My mind, my heart, my SOUL will not be chained.
Those bright crayon colors of bubblegum pink, grass green, sunshine yellow, lilac purple, and sky blue easily reach out of the murky blackness a human creates with their thoughts.

They easily reach out of the blood caked black until all my thoughts are surrounded by a rainbow.

And that's how I'll stay...

Net of Thought.

So I found this book called the Commentaries on Living by J. Krishnamurti. I first heard of Krishnamurti from the documentary (preaching the invisible truth) Zeitgeist. I always wanted to learn more about him because his words were very powerful. Thus when I saw this book while looking for a Christmas present for Champion, I knew that I was meant to buy these two books. They were just sitting there. And after reading the Celestine Prophecy (another excellent book), I believe in no coincidences. I don't believe in fate, but I believe that there are guiding forces in Life. You create your own destiny, along with your own drama. One could live a life free from drama, the only question is....would you/can you do it?
Well back to my original thought...
I started reading this book and those first few chapters have changed my life. They are guidelines, up to the individual to make the effort to follow them and they were exactly what I needed.
The one important thing I have gotten out of it was that thought creates conflict. Think about it (haha). When you think of the past, particularly a depressing memory, those emotions are brought back up into the present. The past should be remembered, never forgotten since we should learn from the past, but never dwelled in. And the future is unknown, so why dwell there? You are the shaper of your future. So the only thing to do is to live and experience the now. Life is short. It should be spent just experiencing. Especially experiencing happiness and love. Love is everywhere. Love is also not a thought. It just is. It is the only true revolution.

These are just some of my wandering thoughts :)