Our tears create the oceans.

I thought I was fine.
I am fine.

It's just that.....I don't know.
I felt exuberant after I let everything out.
I knew everything would be ok.
I felt like myself.

But last night I started crying when I heard "Anyone Else But You" on the car ride home.
I became anxious when he wouldn't text me back.
(And I tried to not think about it. I knew I was being foolish.)
I cried after I got off the phone with him.

The pain is from loneliness.
He was with friends; and I know I have dear friends that I love very much, but not here in Santa Maria.
He was the only one beside my family that I cared about here.
He was the only one who truly still cared about me when I would come home.
Now, even after our talk and hanging out the few times, I still feel like he is separating himself drastically.

Which I feel is silly because I know we consider ourselves friends, but...
It still hurts soooo much.

And he will always have a piece of me forever.
A part of my heart is attached to his eternally.
So even if he wants to, we can not be separated.

It will be easier when I go back to school.
It always is.
But this time I will devote myself to changing me and growing stronger.
I don't want to repeat my bad habits and mistakes.

And, hey, it's going to be a new year too.

I just need to control my thoughts more and meditate.
Concentrate on my breathing, like he would tell me to.

But maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I just felt like he wasn't treating me so much different from everyone else.
I mean I was always treated different by him because we love each other, but now I feel like he doesn't even treat me like a friend.

Ah, I just needed to get this out and off my chest.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm even hanging out with him.
Tomorrow is what I make it.