I have two new notebook journals.

One from a friend of the elemental kingdom who is part of my soul tribe.

One from my sister where our bonds run deeper than either of us know.

I stopped writing when I stopped seeing.

I wrote on here.

the Internet.

I am now shedding all that holds the pasts energy because I am starting something new.

like a phoenix out of the flames.

I write everything in my notebooks now.

I draw my pictures in my notebooks now.

they are always with me.

Maybe I will put some on here.

Maybe I will only read them to those I know care.

Maybe no one will ever hear them.

This public journal is not done and over with.

I have many things written on here that I love.

that make me remember where I came from before the flames.

I've been thinking more about the book I am going to write.

Unless I utterly surprise myself I believe it will be a book for everyone.

a book that discusses children, yes, but I think I will be writing a book that connects the spiritual to the political.

I know that the political is a human-made-ego-made phenomena, but it will not disappear if we all choose to ignore it and just choose to blind ourselves with "love" instead of "hate".

The political must be recognized and dissected for it to be overcome.

It must be linked to spirituality.

And spirituality is whatever you want to have faith in.

I believe I will be sticking to writing everything down in my journals for awhile.

It has more power, the hand-written word.

And that's what my writings are: spells.

Spells for me, for him, for them, for everyone, for the world.

It's beautiful.

I don't know how else to describe it.

She knew it was a lie.

She believed the conspiracies of no human ever touching the moon.

and why certain astronauts and physicists mysteriously died.

So she was going to find out for herself.

If the country she lived in lied about so much then maybe they also lied about the scientific findings about space....

like if there was oxygen.

So she read books upon books on space satellites.

They were after all the closest thing that ever got into space.

She had read that it was big enough for a human body to fit inside.

jammed a bit but, she figured the trip would be fast.

One deathly still hollow night, she sneaked into a space shuttle pad.

She squeezed herself into the satellite they were about to launch.

How she managed to do this, no one is really sure...

But...

10

9

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

BLAST OFF!

Up she went.

It was super fast, like melt your skin fast, but she hung on.

Then it stopped.

She could still breathe....

She opened up the satellite and...

she was orbiting planet earth.

she stepped out.

she was just in space.

you don't really float in space.

you just are.

she explored galaxies far and wide and become a sage of sorts.

she wanted to come back and share this enlightenment with all of humankind.

so she was shown a staircase.

she descended this staircase back to earth.

she ended up in the middle of the Bermuda triangle.

she somehow swam back to land and started her stories.

but they heard.

they knew.

and they killed her.

just like they will kill me for writing this story down.

they are lying.

we can breathe in space and on top of that we can go anywhere and do anything.

the universe is us.

we are the universe.

now.

and when they kill me...just like they killed her...they will think they are winning...but they are only spreading the knowledge.

they are creating a crack in society's barriers and something wonderful is oozing through.

the universe is winning.

TIME

the change was so sudden.

it just happened.

the earth opened up and swallowed some of us whole....or so it felt like.

"What!? Why is this happening now?"

some will scream.

"Why were there not warnings?"

"Why didn't we know???"

some will be asking over and over.

Some others will be smiling.

inside and out.

the change did not affect them in the same way.

and they will answer those questions:

"there were signs.

right in front of your face.

from the day you were born in this life.

it was in the bird that came to your window every morning.

in that book at the used bookstore in the metaphysics section that was priced $1.50.

in all the books that you happened to glance over...written in the 60,s the 70's the 80's the 90's and now.

it was in that song you were humming without realizing.

it was in that child's sentence that made no sense to you but left you with a haunting feeling.

it was in that mushroom trip

that acid trip

that MDMA trip

that high.

those feelings that drugs give you that you wanted to keep not realizing that those feeling WERE you all along.

it was in that stranger preaching on the corner about universal love.

it was in the music.

it was that feeling you got when you realized everything was alright.

it was when you stopped and recognized your breath.

it was when you saw and felt love consciously.

it was when you stopped to chat with someone you thought you did not know and then realizing we live in a small world...

then realizing that everything must be connected.

do not question this.

there were always signs.

it was YOU who decided to ignore them.

you could have known about this change.

you could have been "ready"

so do not get angry.

you had the chance to realize but passed it by."

they will all look at each other and finally notice the energy change and the connections that have pushed through.

they will remember all those signs in a flash flood of memories.

they will sigh.

we will all laugh.

and then we will all love.

dream documentation

I was in a huge house .

The furniture was really expensive looking.

It was like a mansion.

There were a lot of people there.

Some were children and some older.

I didn't know them in waking life but in the dream I was acquainted with them.

Somehow there was a demon in this house.

I took it upon myself to get rid of it.

I could see it.

It had two pitch black eyes that floated where it was with black-ish energy surrounding it.

I could feel where it would hide too because it would get really hot in some areas.

I walked around the house banning it and trying to push it out.

I was yelling at it saying things like:

"I invoke Jesus, the Son of God. You must leave this house now!"

"I call upon Archangel Michael to aid me. Get Out!"

I called upon all the archangels I knew.

I called upon the cheriubums and seraphims.

I kept pushing the demon further to the door constantly yelling different alterations of prayers and invocations at it.

At one point it tried to retaliate and I felt it grab my neck and try to cover my mouth so I would stop yelling.

I could physically feel this.

I pushed it away in my dream still calling upon Archangel Michael.

I finally got it outside but it was stubborn.

There was a little girl floating in the pool and the demon went and possessed her.

I remember staring down at her.

She had red curly hair.

She was floating by the edge and then her face changed and the demon spoke through her in a deep growly voice:

"you can't get rid of me that easily."

I instantly grabbed the girl from the pool and laid her down.

She tried to get up but I held her down.

I continued praying over her invoking all the archangels.

I imagined blue and white light filling everything.

Basically performing an impromptu exorcism.

As I was praying the demon tried to force itself into me making my voice change but I kept praying and soon I heard a deep comforting man's voice speaking along with me.

I knew it was Archangel Michael and felt a surge of loving energy.

The demon was soon after expelled and I remember walking back and saying to this old man:

"I have had spiritual experiences before but that was the most intense and extreme."

I woke up.

The entire time in the dream, I was not afraid.

I had complete confidence that I could banish the demon.

The more it fought back the stronger I felt I became.

When I saw the wave of light blue light wash over everything and heard the voice I knew I had won.

That's how all my "demon" dreams are.

I also feel and know that I will get rid of the demon.

That I am stronger than it.

If you would just step back and look at the world, you would see all the magic.

but you would also see all the poison strangling the magic.

nothing creates euphoria.

it is always inside of you.

MDMA and MDA should be used as nothing more as a tool to unlocking yourself.

No drug should ever be depended on.

They break down social barriers that we have created ourselves.

The way one acts on this drug doesn't have to stop.

There is such a stigma to using these types of drugs.

Marijuana, MDMA, peyote, mushrooms.

people are scared to try it. think it is bad for you.

They filter through these thoughts as they sip down some hard alcohol and take a puff of a cigarette.

the current energy of this society of course wouldn't want you to be revolutionized with discovering your own power.

Alcohol consumption in this society is disgusting.

If you drink with awareness and consciousness it can also be a tool but people don't do that.

they drink to escape something.

self destruct.

i have been there.

but once you come to peace with yourself and your pain, you find that you don't need those drugs, especially alcohol.

i use weed, MDA, and shrooms to help me further my soul searching.

my goal is to eventually not have to use any type of drug.

last night i strengthened and formed bonds with so many people.

it was the best way to celebrate my last halloween at ucsb.

A Lipstick Jamboree

Dancing on the burned charred remains of the brasseire
in white bone high heels
painting my body red with the blood of my sisters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers scorned.
Picking up the ashes of those womyn before who were ignored
I wipe my eyelids
the new shade for this season
The menstral blood dripping down my thigh becomes the ink for the books where we have been left out/ scribbled out/ torn out/ forgotten.
I walk down the gray dirt road with a full moon enhancing my power overhead.
I am a goddess.
I am the embodiment of feminine energy.
A feminine energy that is ancient/pure/powerful.
Not what the patriarchy has taken and slaughtered through use of media outlets.
They were scared of it.
Scared that the feminine might become more beautiful than the masculine.
They had to commit genocide.
I will forgive them after I cut the dick of the patriach and use its blood as my new shade of red red lipstick.

Walking the streets of a concrete jungle.
looking down
avoiding eye contact
because that would just be "awkward"
when all of a sudden the clocks stopped ticking
and when the clocks stop ticking the world stops running because this society is so vast with egocentracality and filled to the brim with human superiority that we no longer knew what to do
the people stopped walking with slumped shoulders
the people stopped standing in elevator corners looking at the cell phones without really looking at them (because in truth they just dont want to make a connection with another soul standing right next to them)
the people stopped firing their guns
the people stopped hitting their children and wives
the people stopped feeling apathetic
the people stopped being racist, sexist, classist, agesit, homophobic demons
the people looked up
and noticed that there was something bright in the sky
the landscape had come to a halt
not a breath stirred the morning newspaper
what were humans to do?
and just like that their heads tipped back and their souls flew out of their fish-scaled-lipsticked- cigarrette-poison-inhaling-Starbucks-drinking-booze-consuming-to-escape-reality mouths
and left the empty flesh shells.

they flew to heaven and left the humanoids alone.
the humans looked back down to the sidewalk
they looked at each other
and they never felt so alone
they once thought they were alone, always lonely, striving for some acknowledgement or pity
but now they were realy alone
love had left them
they had left themselves
and just like that they all crumbled to the ground and laid there scared
begging for some relief
then the wind blew through and whispered into their inner ear
"Be a Temple."
with that they all stood up and walked into the ocean deep and cleansed themselves to purity
the souls came back and they were once again them
but the concrete jungle no longer exists
it is now a real jungle
and the people dont hate anymore
the people dont hit anymore
the people care more
the people love
the people
the souls
the hope
the end

these inner thoughts apparently wanted to come out and play.

Inconspicuous inside dreaming lines the crevices of the folds of my brain.
Weaving in and out of consciousness.
I open my eyes to see the world and realize that they were once closed for so long.
I believed I was opening them to view the world but my ego tricked me.
It made me believe I was viewing the world in a "happily ever after" format but my eyes were glued shut.
It set up a blank movie screen in my mind and played over and over what it wanted me to see.

I found a sword made of light and tore through that movie screen.
I pierced my eyelids and let oxygen enter my mind.
I let magic enter my mind.
I let truth enter my mind.

Understanding now the simplicity of all beings.
I was drowning in the ocean, thinking I was going to die until I relaized that I was once a fish and knew how to breathe.
I am not a survivor because all the pain and suffering around me was of my own doing.
I was always living.
And I am still living,
but this time the sun trickles down into the ocean water and I can breathe in and out and the dolphins call to me to play

and I answer with love.

Once upon a time and in the beginning,
I existed.

I'd love to know all of the universe's secrets.
I'd love for my head to explode with that knowledge so then I could really fly.

Trailer Trash Parties are just as bad as Ghetto Parties.

What if it is just all a hayward decision to end the species?
Complicate the universe with bullshit treaties,
muddle up the waters
cut the power to the energy veins connecting us.

I eat humans to remember that we are just an animal.
no more and no less than the bengal tiger, the flamingo, the australian shephard, the dinosaur.
We can go extinct too.

In a field of yellow daisies, i found God.
The type of God they talk about in cathedrals of stained glass.
Here he was more strong in nature.
everywhere.
But then I also found her.
And she was just as strong because she was god.
a goddess.
I am god.

I followed the stupid stupid fish down the waterfall because in all reality I wanted to.
I wanted to dine with Christopher Colombus and broken tea cups.
I wanted to tell him what a fucked up animal he was.

Because isn't that just it?
I believe in past lives and if we have all lived in this gloriously fucked up world multiple times,
then we have all been racists,
we have all been sexists,
we have all been classists,
we have all been ageists,
we have all been heterosexists.
at one point in time.
so do not pass judgement on me, yourself, or others.
You do not have that right than any other human being,
but we have also all been light and love and powerful beings that are capable of changing the world for better,
or for worse.

Life is a dream.
Life is a school.
All lessons are unique.
All subconsciousses are one of a kind.

Let's hope you decide in this life to change the world for the better.

L is for the way you look at me....

Green sweaters and cotton candy.
I want to describe the end of the world to you.
It will be the same type of feeling that you get when you turn the last page of a really good book.
The story has ended. the characters are no more.
But a new book is waiting to be opened, its pages creased and its corners folded.
doggy-ear style.
Sometimes I want to live inside the books i read.
They seem so much better than the life I am living.
But when i look up from the page and into your eyes I know that I am already writing my own book.

Lilac dresses and lemonade.
I want to describe the beginning of the world to you.
It will be the same type of feeling that you get when you jump into an icy pool in the afternoon of a hot summer day.
the deep end.
A shock of cold that you feel to your bones,
but oh so slowly you get used to the water,
and never want to get out.

Tight red pants and turqouise crayons.

I want to describe love to you.

Breathe a deep breath and think of something that will make you laugh out loud.

did you feel that?

love.

These asphalt roads are the veins of the material world.

Underneath though is the true energy supply.

Coursing veins of energy circling the earth over and over creating vortexes.

Magic exists.

It's right inside.

We attribute human characteristics to things we can't understand.

Mother Nature does not have two eyes.

Look up at night.

The stars are her eyes watching us everywhere.

i want to escape into that unknown.

it's much better than the known.

Alternate

Prickly pears line the asphalt streets.
Ammonia clouds gather above.
The music notes fall lazily out of my ears.
So tired.
The sun is hidden but the world still feels like an oven.
Shadows don't even want to come out.
I walk the rocky streets with beads of sweat dripping down my back.
I just want it all to go away.
A gunshot rings out.
A baby cries.
A womyn shouts.
I keep trudging til I come to the meadow full of ragweed, dry brown grass, and dandelions.
I look up through squinted eyes and see in front of me....
A UNICORN!
I hear in my mind "Get on."
So I do, unable to fully comprehend what is happening.
It must be all the chemicals in the air and food I think.
The unicorn starts running fast, faster, and even faster until the world is one gray blur.
Then we stop.
We are still in the meadow, but it is green and lush with wild flowers of purple, orange, blue, pink, and yellow everywhere.
Children are laughing and playing.
The sky is clear.
The water pure.
People are walking, talking, and dancing together.
It is beautiful.
"where are we?" I ask the unicorn.
She laughs and says "Here"
"Where's here?" I ask not understanding.
"We never left."
I still don't get it.
The world I was just in did not look like this.
The unicorn understands my thoughts and laughs again...
"Your reality is simply different than mine. I'm showing you how I choose to view the world. You can view the world like this as well. And maybe, once enough of us view the world filled with this light and love, all realities will become one and we will live together in harmony."
I woke up under the dying tree.
I felt refreshed.
Was it a dream?
It felt too real.
And under this dying tree, I see a little green leaf coming into being.

Tribute to Huxley, Orwell, and Bradbury with a political rant included

Corporate delusions push out the insights.
Out of sight out of mind.
Fahrenheit 451
But its not books burning this time.
No that will come later.
That ash falling down around you belongs to all the souls that have died fighting and committing genocide all because....
the president said so...
god said so...

Huxley and Orwell were both right.
We are in 1984 but consuming the lies of a brave new world.
Man made drugs replace the blood in our veins so we can forget the world we are living in.
There is an actual drug called Soma...
how similar...how similar.
They foretold the future, yet here we are.

Oh, black people have "freedom" now?
This will not do.
divide and conquer, divide and conquer.
They can never be united.
They can never realize the truth.
White flight...yes. ghettos created.
police them daily to keep them in.
Fill their streets with crack.
Those who wrote the amendments were selfish greedy men.
They did not care about you.
Stop lying to yourself.
They knew what they were doing when they wrote the 13th amendment:
"neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States"
So round them up and put them in jail and say hello to the new form of slavery.

And this mindset exists everywhere.
different forms, different shapes, different disguises, but one source.
Greed and Fear.

They foretold the future but were passed off as science fiction writers.

Welcome to the brave new world of 1984.

Wonderland

We live in a wonderland of magic and crystal glitter that has been soaked in dirty dish water, rung out repeatedly and hung out to dry.

Maybe once it is done drying though we will be beautiful again.
So beautiful again that in fact the fairies, unicorns, and rainbow dragons will no longer have to hide themselves from human sight.
Angels will walk beside us, as usual, but this time it won't look like we are talking to ourselves.
It won't be "urban myths" anymore but "how-it-used-to-be" stories.
There will be no use for automobiles of any sorts because we will all have mastered the art of being in different places at the same time.
It is possible.
Telepathy will be readily used so no lies will be uttered.
But then again, there would be no point in lying.
We would be living in a perpetual dream, manifesting all our desires with pure, loving intentions.
A dream come true.

So let the sun shine on.

If you truly want to learn anything...

Stop trying to teach children and learn from them.

You know society is still fucked when a little 5 year old Latina is looking at pictures of herself with you on her last day of preschool and says she doesn't like some because she is ugly and fat.

"What?! I think you are always looking beautiful all the time."

Giggles and turns to the next page.

Or when a 4 year old tells you she is ugly today because she has no makeup on.
(I could relate to that feeling and it made me feel even sadder.)

"No! You don't need makeup to be beautiful. You look absolutely beautiful right now!"

She giggles and runs off.

I wonder if my words are enough to permeate or at least dent the brainwashing society has bestowed upon these children who honestly haven't even seen the world and all it's beauty yet.

"Once upon a time..."

"Once upon a time..."
A time when?
A time when magic existed.
Manifested into reality.
Where everyone in the end gets a "happily ever after".

My life will be a fairytale.
My life is a fairytale.
It will one day be a "once upon a time".

The Bluebird of Happiness Who Mated with the Trumpeter Swan of Sense

Dark and dismal, dark and dismal.
These were matters of the heart and they were not to be toyed with.
One blue and one white feather floating together in a lake made from the tears of Mother Earth.
The birds were gone.
Gone somewhere that only bird souls could go.
The crows sat amongst the branches cackling to each other of the truth they just witnessed.
They were the ones to turn it into a myth.
The vultures swarmed overhead, wondering when the bodies would appear.
The crows squawked to each other never taking their eyes off of the floating feathers.

"Did you see? Did you hear?"
A bluebird fell in love with a swan.

"What poppycock!"

But this was THE bluebird...the bluebird of pure happiness.
And that was THE swan....the swan of sensible being.

They fell in love when time began.
The leaves were new on the trees and the water was pure through and through.
They flew around the world sharing their love with every life.
An odd pair to see: a small fluttering bluebird with a big graceful swan.
But the common sense of receiving true happiness was a match made in Heaven.

But the world they once flew over started to change.
The leaves were brown and the water cloudy.
The bluebird's and swan's only refuge was that on the lake that Mother Earth had protected in a valley so deep.
She cried over the creation called human that had transformed into something she could not recognize anymore and formed the lake.
So there the bird lovers stayed, occasionally flying around the world trying to comfort the hurt humans bestowed upon themselves with their love;their happiness; their sense of everything.
But the hope that the bluebird and swan shone out went unnoticed after awhile.
The humans took it for granted.
They found their happiness in false things and sense disappeared.


One day, the day that the crows sat in the trees cackling about the murders they had seen, the bluebird and swan came back from a tiresome flight of hate and greed and landed in the lake to rest their tired bones.
As they swam next to each other and hid their tears of despaired hope, a giant coy of red and white jumped out of the lake and swallowed them whole.
Leaving nothing but one blue feather and one white feather.

And from the depths of the lake came a mournful voice telling those that could still hear...
"Pure happiness and a sense of being are no more in this world. Gratitude, empathy, and love are lost among you beings. You blinded yourselves. Blinded yourselves to the one pure, good thing left in the world. Now it is gone and you have to rediscover it for yourselves from within to heal the wounds you have made."

The crows cackled that day.
The vultures swarmed that day.
gossiping, lying about what they just saw and heard...until the words of the wise coy became nothing more than a whispered myth only a few wise ones remembered.

But when something once taken for granted is taken away so suddenly, one will began to notice the difference and tell someone else and so on and so on until it becomes only a matter of time before everyone begins to yearn for what was lost.
They will try to find it...again.

Then, maybe, Mother Nature won't cry anymore.

penetration

"the stars are pin pricks into heaven."

the light is coming through.
:light up the darkness:
a deep darkness that fills the void.
a darkness that consumes all color.
oh but the stars....
the stars are the light seeping out to abolish the darkness.
the light behind all darkness.
darkness cannot exist without light.
but light could still thrive without darkness.
darkness eats its fill of light to survive.
but light needs no sustenance.
So on any dark day...
all one has to do is open up and there is light.

Living Dream

Row, row, row your boat.

We are going to save the city tonight.
Blow it up like a dandelion seed in the breeze.
Mmmm breathe in the ash.
Revolution.
Death.
The image conjured by the eye's artist when the word "revolution" is uttered/yelled/mourned.

Gently down the stream.

We are going to save ourselves tonight.
Close our eyes and travel farther than anyone has in the world.
Travel inside ourselves to discover something that is too often covered up with the ego's masks.
Discovering something that is untainted by human emotions.
Something that is connecting me to everything.
Love.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily...

I'm holding your hand as we watch this city be blown up like a dandelion seed but I don't feel the ash fall on my face.
Instead I feel something travel into my hand from yours, up my arm and into my heart.
Light flows out of my heart and yours.
Out of my eyes and yours.
We are protected in a light bubble from this devastation.

Because after all,
life is but a dream.