tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock...tick
words shoot through me, sharp words, leaving open wounds in my flesh flowing crimson blood.
it pools at my feet.
i slip.
i fall helplessly through the rabbit hole.

I dream and it feels so real. so real that i need to force my eyes open to snap back to reality.
i don't remember taking off my clothes...did you?
over and over and over and over and over.

tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock...tick

destroy all watches, all clocks.
then snap back to reality.
the reality where you are one with everything.
your biological clock has been demolished by technology and pills.

You can always learn to love yourself.
i can help you, if you want.
i'm still learning too.
it's not so hard when you are not alone.

remember, i love you.

A Riddle to Question.

101
all i have to do is tilt the steering wheel.
close my eyes.

and finally wake up new.

what would happen after?

i would be saved.

Another year has passed.

and what the fuck have i done?

what am i doing?

that is the ultimate question.
the question i am tired of asking.

the life i am tired of living.

i only truly live in his eyes.
i only truly live with him.

i only live the way i want in my head.
i want my head to crack open.
i want to live the way i want.

i dont want to just be another human being in this fucked up world.

Attemptation

one two
blush cheek eye shadow eye mascara lip stick gloss little black dress
all for you?
three four
this society has taught me to talk and think about nothing more
than sex- how to only please my man (?)-
nothing more than how pink is the new orange.
And "OMG! Did you see what that skank was wearing?"
please...What a fucking bore!

Womyn perpetuate and perpetuate this cycle of a make-upped self hate.
They have entered our brains with images in magazine ads of stick thin barbies-images that you must die your hair blond, that you must be white but spend $15 twice a week to get your spray tan.
They have replaced our brains with television screens to the point where we womyn cannot even anymore relate.

Well my television screen has long been broke and kicked out to the street.
You see my heart has its own rhythm now. It is NO longer synchronized to that new rap song they play on the radio about how womyn are just there to rape and beat.
no.
no.
no.

Feminism is hot.
But how do we expect this feminist movement to thrive in such a patriarchal sexist and racist society
when we have not had a revolution within ourselves yet.
We still conform to their set propriety.

Wake up! Beautiful Womyn! Wake up!

I dress to impress

the inner goddess
looming in my chest.

All I want to do in life is go on one big crayon drawing-poem writing-rainbow bus driving-guitar playing-love making with my soul mating-skinny dipping-just living quest.

I don't fancy your politico-economico talk.
You don't impress me. You give me no vital shock.
I already see the bullshit mess this New World Order has us in.
I can fight and fight and fight but if you don't open your eyes and see the truth then how the fuck do I expect to win?

I'm tired.
Tired of the racism-sexism-classism-bigotism-hypocritism-negativism.

This energy creeps into me.
Sucking me dry, allowing me to never be
completely free.

That is why I must escape.
I must escape to a life some in cubicles only dream about.

You see, once you strip away your need for material comfort.
Material support.
That life is no longer a dream.

Just give me a few dresses and sweaters, hand knit scarves and a good pair of jeans.
Just give me a camera, a guitar, a notebook and some pens.
Just allow me to have my books and one blanket.
Just let me live with my darling and let my family thrive in a forest by the sea.

I eat my love everyday, all day.
And that's all I need.

Dancing Sun

I have ancestors.
People of the Creek.
Indian.
I have native ancestors who were birthed from this land, this land known as the United States of America.
Land of the Free.
Free. Free? Freedom.
My ancestors were truly free. They took only what they needed. They praised Mother Earth. And she in turn protected and provided for them.
My ancestors were spiritual. They saw the unseen forces. They saw the inner workings of creation.
But now this land has hidden its secrets from all who live on it. Now this land cries.
My ancestors are no longer free.
A white race declared themselves supreme.
More superior than Mother Nature herself.
I resemble this white race.
My skin is that of snow.
I get the privileges of having a skin with no color.
Because my great great grandmother married a white man.
Married a white man to survive.
I have not experienced the hate of racism personally.
But I see it.
My ancestors live on through my eyes.
My eyes have seen. My ears have heard. My soul has felt.
And my ancestors will not let me stand still and watch this hate filled world go by.
Whiteness is the most evil weapon this world has endured.
That is still enduring.
Native “Americans” and all other beautiful people of color are tokenized, discriminatized, brutalized, and hypnotized to hate themselves by this power structure called whiteness.
My ancestors will not let me sleep.
Will not let me breathe if I do nothing.
That is why I must fight.
I must use this skin of no color to my advantage to tear down this invisible institution of racism.
My ancestors have opened my eyes.
My ancestors.
People of the Creek.

Champion McConnell,

I very much well want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Love,
Hailey

"people of color can't do that."

self fulfilling prophecy right there.

I will yell at the po.
I will say what ever i want.
Racist white motherfuckers.
thats what i said.
You can say whatever the fuck you want to the police.

But according to her people of color can't do that.

you are fearful.

Fear allows the police state to thrive.
If people of color don't stand up to the abuse dished out by cops, then who will?
White people are largely ignorant.
The majority of them won't do it.

Stop letting fear rule your life.
Weak.

They have brainwashed you to be fearful.
Fuck them and fuck you.
What are you scared of?
death?
You are going to die no matter what.

Take back the night.
those seem more like words than anything else.

How about some action?

Stop being silenced. You are doing it to yourself. so you are the only one who can stop it.

"Well not everyone has the courage to do that. It's not that easy."
Self
fulfilling
prophecy.

Stand up for yourself.
If everyone did that.
There would be a fucking revolution.

Human beings make me sick.
you make me sick

the biggest mistake is putting any trust in the police.
Police have no rights to do anything.

Police are violence.
Police are fear.

Get rid of the fear. Take back your identity.

Stop making excuses.
Learn to use your fucking voice.

Mermaid Tarot

cry cry cry cry cry cry cry!

skin moist with ocean spray.

Strength.
8th card.
Sum.

I will overcome all with my strength and optimism.
Why worry then?

I still do.

I want to be a spiritual teacher.

I opened myself up to forces unseen and let the pendulum dangle.
She knows about me and him.
She is aware of the love and soul connnection we have.
She doesn't even truly like him.
She is going to do something to me emotionally to hurt me.
She is going to show her truth.

I don't know what will happen.

I think I will know when she will do this confrontation.
I just want to stare into her eyes and laugh though when that time comes.
She isn't doing it with hostility.
It will be a friendly approach.
But I don't care.
No simple female like her will break our bond.
No male has done it. No female will do it.
We transcend gender.
We transcend.
We have a bond that knows the earliest of history.

Sorry. He loves me.
I love him.
Soul mates.
Enough said.

NOW goodbye.
Have a nice life.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Lady Green Moth

Lady Green!
Lady Green!

You sit so peacefully on the bathroom wall.
Wings folded protecting your heart when you are grounded.
When you touch base with reality.

But when you fly...
Oh Lady Green!
When you open up your wings and fly, soar into the blue third eye of Mother Nature, you let your heart, your soul remain unprotected.

You know, I am not that different from you Lady Green Moth.
I too leave my heart unprotected at times.
I think it is healthy.

Yes.
I converse this with you.
You just sit there so stoically.
I know you understand me though.
You are a soul.

Hopefully, soon, I won't be flying alone.
Hopefully, soon, he will kiss me again and fly with me.

I feel like you understand.
Lady Green, you prefer flying as much as I do.

I am One with Time.

All the events of this week could easily fit into a month.
It came at me so fast.


But I loved and hated every minute of it with a passion so imbued within my soul.



I don't feel like anybody is a threat to me at the moment.
He will see in the end what is meant to be.
I see it now.
He just needs his time.
3 to 5 months time.


I want to tell him...
I am willing to make the effort to be with you forever in this life.
I will tell him in retrospect what i think everything means.
Last year i was so depressed and i felt so empty inside because i was denying my soul who it really wanted to be with.
I wanted to explore "my options" but my only true option was right there all along.

I knew it.

I think it is problematic finding your soul mate so young because when one is young you want freedom.
I wanted some freedom to do what i want.

But i will tell you a secret...
IT IS SO NOT FUCKING WORTH IT!

if you find your soul mate at a young age...work through the problems.
don't be selfish.

I regret it everyday until i am in his arms forever again.



now....

i just have to wait.



oh susan oh susan oh susan!
please give me the strength, patience, and understanding.

Susan

that's my guide closest to me.
she hums me to sleep.
she gives me answers when i seek.

Champion took me to the psychic to get spiritual help, in the end he got the most help.

I started crying the moment she asked me why there was disappointment in my life.
I cried because I didn't know the feeling was that strong.
I feel like i am never good enough for my mom.
She told me to disengage.
It would be ok.
It is hard though.
She is my mother. I love her.
In one past life, i was a servant to her.
That's where the strictness comes from.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH NOW!

Champion and I are soul mates.
I knew it.
We made a pact with God before we came down to live this life that we would live it together.
It's funny.
When i first laid my eyes on him in high school...there was a recognition felt.
A soul recognition.
In past lives we were Hawaiian. We were brother and sister. We were also married in one life. We were African slaves then. I was also a missionary in China and took him in and raised him. He was a homeless Chinese boy.

Our bonds are deep.

It also makes sense now why i am such a fighter for social justice and against racism. why i feel so connected to Africa although in this life i have no ties.

He is more confused than i am.
It's ok though....i feel that once you know you are soul mates..you cannot stay apart for long.

We still need a lot of communication.

He likes this girl right now.
The physic straight out told him though that she is a manipulator and is using him.
In 3 months something will happen that will open his eyes to her true intentions.
He is also going to get a break in LA with his music.
She told him to get out of Santa Maria.
I knew he needed to do that.

I did the fairy cards today.
Marriage literally flew out of the deck.
I would marry him.
But that doesn't mean i will give up my dreams.

Oh I will also be writing a book in this lifetime.
Look out for that. :)

I suggest everyone get a reading.
It is a life changing experience.

Chosen

Mukhtar.
Damn.
Potential?
Definitely really amazing friend.
Came when I was really depressed.
Now it's not so hard.

Hang out tomorrow....just talk.
Paint.
Sun.
I will tell him I understand now.
But that no GIRL will ever love him the way and how much I do.
Ditto.
Vice versa.

Washington DC came at the perfect time.
Worth getting sick again.
I will go back....
This time with more jackets!

I am coming to the conclusion of where I want to go.
What I want to do.
These conferences are educational to the max...
But in the end I really love the bonds that I form with people.

It makes my life so much more enjoyable.
I forget to soul connect with people at school sometimes.
I have made many new friends.

I think my heart is getting ready to heal now.
Yes.

"How can so much good exist in such a tiny heart?

And despite of all the pain she's in,
she never falls apart.
And if she does it lasts the length of seven songs
She dries her tears on her best friend's sleeves and dances
right along."

Oh, if only I could get like that.
If only it was so easy....

Don't be dependent....dependent on the magic.
The only true energy, the only true change is in yourself.
Remember that.
I sometimes forget.
If only it was so easy...

When I die I want to come back as a cat for awhile.
Animals are not here for us.
And we are not here for them.
It's symbiotic.
Their souls are no different from ours.
In the relationship, it is just two souls connecting and rejoicing.
Two souls loving.
That could be your soul one day as a dog.
Makes me want to become vegetarian.

I just want the page to turn already.
I just want to my heart to fully heal.
I want his heart to fully heal.
I just want to live.

Why is it so hard sometimes?

Dot

I have this red dot right in the middle of my wrist.
It hurts when I scratch at it.

It's just a tiny red dot.
Perfectly round.
So little.

It just appeared out of nowhere.

It is my beginning to my end.
It is my pain leaving my body.
Red is grounded.

chakra chakra chakra chakra

I can talk to the fairies for you, if you want?

It might just be a cut....a minuscule cut.
But what would life be without intuition?
Without reading into things spiritually?
Make the normal abnormal.

That is my goal.

.

Cooperative Living.

Fuck.

I am going to be living in the Newman co-op next year and then hopefully in the Biko house once a spot opens up.

I am super excited.
And I am not going to lie....I kind of want a boy roommate.
Girls are chill though....

As long as they are comfortable with me walking around naked in the mornings and me taking 30 minute showers :)

Ah! I think I may finally have a place to call my own though.
This year I did not belong anywhere.
I don't have a room at home in Santa Maria, I don't have a room at my aunts, and I don't have a room at Sandy and David's to call my own. (Although I am eternally grateful for their hospitality.)

I will finally have half a sanctuary.
I am going to paint a mural on my wall.
I am going to write poetry on my walls.
I am going to put up all my art that has been hidden these past 2 years all around the apartment.
I am going to have a shrine dedicated to air fairies in my room.
I can display all my wonderful books.
I can finally have my granny's quilt and my beautiful 60's flower comforter on my OWN bed.
I can play my record player and dance around again!
I am going to perfect my sandwich making and salad tossing.
I am going to make banana pudding next year...southern style.
Who knows?
If I am financially OK I might even get a kitty all my own.

Mhm. Next year is going to be wonderful. I just know it :)

Radio playing

ad after ad after ad.

I make up your life inside my own head.
You are doing this.
You are going there.
You are thinking of me.

Invisible conversations occur as luke warm water runs down my back, down my breasts.
My body is transformed into a passage way into an ether conscious mind fuck.
Dreams are a personal heaven and hell.

I haven't parked my car on the edge of the world in awhile.
I haven't inhaled poison in awhile.
I have drank it instead.

When I stop thinking of relationships
When I stop getting annoyed by the human condition
I FLOURISH!

The man with so much wisdom who made his voice into a musical instrument said
"It's not about the world...it's about LIFE."
He sang about Africa as a mother.

My soul is going to fly one day.
It is going to make it to heaven.
It is going to come back as a bluebird.

I swear....in my past life....I must have been an African.
I should investigate this.
I need to dance like a Sufi in a trance.
I NEED to be in a trance.
I need to go back in time in my mind.

drunk on love

i have onion breath.

i saw spoken word like its never been heard.
my only thought "i can do this shit."

i walked the streets by myself
do not call me
you fucking bois
i am not your "black widow"
what the fuck does that mean?

If you were intelligent you would know that the female black widow eats her mate.
You will eat me first however.

my pleasure is all you need.
Ice your blue balls.
i dont give a fuck.

he bit me hard.
so hard.
i have the marks on my back.
You fucking queer boi.
I love you though.

you hide.
you hide you identity.
your sexuality.
it's ok.
i understand.
I hide too.
I am so confused.

i should go to sleep.
i have work tomorrow.
fucking corporation work.
fuck.
i only do it so i can go to school
so i can live with the hippies.

in the end my life will be an artistic revolution.
i will travel the world living off of human beings generousity.
I will write.
write.
write.
write.

Oh! fuck me!
fuck me so hard!
love my vagina.
rub my clit.
it is a loaded pistol.

I hide myself.
You talk so much.
I know alot about you>>>

But do you know that much about me?

Fuck love me...
You aren't a season lover.
you are a lifetime

i am so drunk..kinda.
fuck the rum.
fuck the love
why did i text you?
Angel!
i knew you wouldn't respond.
they never respond.

Now i will go take out my eyes and wash away my everyday face and slip into dream land.
goodnight human beings.
fuck you and love you.

Life is one giant fucking.
orgy parties at Biko.
lets be real i will join those.

i love you.
don't ever forget that.

Sifting Through Time

Looking for my African prince in all conventionality.
I would dress his wounds after his revolution for humanity.

Oh, you see I just long for him to hold me in his ebony arms.
For his hands to delicately slip between my thighs.
His lips to caress mine so smoothly.
I want him to taste me.
I want to taste him.
His tongue tracing ancient ruins over my bare skin.

Then when the night is done.
He will leave in the morning to fight against everything my color of skin stands for.
He will fight against the oppression.
Exploitation.
Racism.
Capitalism.
ism ism ism.

I too will walk down that path.
Fighting against the power structure that calls itself whiteness.
Most people don't see that side of me.

And that is perfect.
Those who share in the exploitation of beautiful human beings whose skin is darker than their white skin....
Will never see me coming until it is too late.

He sees that side of me.
He loves me for it.
And at night our bodies melt into one.

One revolution.
One fight.
One love.

Oh, my African prince is so much more.

I will know, when our eyes meet.

Imbued With the Goddess

Fem.
Fem.
Feminist thoughts overpowered my mind.

You, boy, disgust me.

The histories, the pain, the emotions, THE SOULS of womyn past overwhelmed me.

You want a piece of meat?
Go fucking make out with the corpse of a cow.
I am more than the physical.

I transcended the barriers.

But can I always be like this?

The system's roots go deep deep deep, so deep.
They rise and constrain me.
Strangle my breath, my life.

It's only when I have fooled them into thinking I am a fem-bot sheep that they relax their grip.
Then I can attain a glimpse of freedom.

Soon those roots will lay dying as my free words and actions hack them apart.
I will bathe in the blood of a dying patriarchy.

But I cannot do it alone.
Will you join me?