Fucking Crazy

Vibes dance around sporadically all over the room.
Hit in the heart.
Hit in the stomach (where butterflies have taken up residency).
Hit in the third eye.
Hit hard in the soul.

My eyes have seen more than my mouth has uttered words.
My heart has loved more, even more than all the lips I've kissed.
My soul has fluctuated in growth.

All of these people.people.people.people.
Everywhere.
We all affect each other more than we recognize.
I can remember people like the girl I would always ride my bike by.
She would always be singing as the sun was setting.
She had a beautiful voice.
I complimented it once as I passed her by.
I wonder why I remember her so well?

I need some fire.
I need some love.
I need some happiness internally.
I need some revolution.

That is my quest.

Beautiful (?)

You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart. Then people gonna treat you better. Your gonna find, yes you will, that you're beautiful as you feel.

Take off your clothes.
Stand in front of the mirror.

When you realize that it has all been lies. Terrible lies
that have scarred your eyes into believing a fairytale.
Until the minute you open your mouth and the words you speak...
Is that your voice? You can't tell.
Society calls you a fucking freak.
But you are the one that is weak.
Your cynical smile
and your words that are so sly.
These tears that I cry
are for humanity.
It has become a soul-destroying monstrosity.
My skin represents the "pure snow"
and I might not know
cannot relate
to the racist hate
on a personal level like you.

But I want you to know that I see it.
I see what it does.
I can recall what it has done.

And that I will give my dying breath to see it overrun.

I feel your vibes.

I can read you so easily.

Maybe it's because we are so similar?

Or it's because we are so damn different.

Just dance.

You know...
I believe that happiness shouldn't come at the expense of others.
And I believe that you must first be happy and content with yourself and being alone before you can share happiness with someone else or have someone else make you happy.

However, many people, including myself, do not follow this.
It's common sense too.
But then again, American society is not one to recognize common sense.

"If it was a snake, it would have bitten you on the nose!"

I've always known this. But now I want to put it into practice.
I am not content right now.
Fuck!

This weekend was drama.
But communication is always key and now things are peachy in the friendship department (well at least on my side).

But the drama of this weekend was only superficial.
The underlying cause of my discontentment is that I don't feel like I'm living fully right now.
I started to feel like this on Monday.

Last week was not a good week.
I think this week will (hopefully-cross my fingers hope to die-) be much better.

Life is just to routine now.

I got my palm read by one of Champion's family friends at the time.
She was legit, not one of the fakes.
I had just met her and she knew things about me and my character that only people who knew me for awhile knew about!

Anyways, one thing she told me is that I will be doing a lot of traveling when I asked about my future.
And more and more, I believe it.
I love going to new places and I am now realizing that I can only stay in places for a short amount of time.

So expect to have a collection of postcards from around the world from me in the nearing future.

Refusion is a Subtelty that is Overlooked.

The cannibals just needed to survive, but fate intervened and I became overcooked.
I was boiling with the anger of a radical causation.
That took on the disposition of new age realization.

This archaic monstrosity of a history was damned to eternalize the sea.
I swam to Christopher Columbus and begged him to Let Us Be!
Africa has dark faces but their eyes are turned to the sun.
The dark continent is the New World where their lies are over spun.
A web of lies to support global decay.

All I wanted was for you to come out and play.
To forget the pain that your arrow caused.
Because, you see, this girl may be interrupted, but never paused.

Humanity may be the most beautiful thing, but it is also the most disgusting.

its not that easy

life.

i hate it.

ive never had a long term friend.
ive never had someone i could call my best friend for a period longer than a few years.

i hate it!

i fucking hate it so much.
i dont know why.

i just want to do something,\

i need to do something.

i just dont know what.

i just need to leave my comfort zone.

santa barbara is now a comfort zone,

i feel that if i live in biko
that i will start to explore.

im so confused.
but that means im learning.

Ridiculously High

So yes.
I'm usually a one-hitter-quitter.
But, fuck!

I took one hit and seriously....i was so fucking high.

I saw a fairy in a bush that was by the ocean.
I could only see her though if i acted like i wasn't looking at her.

Then I kept hearing spirits say my name and screaming.
It was like Hell was behind me.
But when I would turn around it was just the lagoon.
I mean think about it.
What is reality?

What's actually going on behind you when you are not looking?

Then I thought I was bowling.

Then I walked back home and I walked past a po po.
And i think its ironic.

The police are supposed to be "keepers of the peace" and make you feel protected...
but every time i walk past them a jolt of fear goes through my heart.
Enough of those and I'll probably die from a heart attack.

Also, I swear to Buddha, it felt like my soul was trying to escape my body.
I should have let it.

Damn.
I need to just hurry up and finish this school thing here in Santa Barbara.
I'm meant to do other things.
I feel like I should be doing other things RIGHT NOW!

I NEED to let my soul escape.

I'm just a girl, interrupted.

So I watched that movie tonight.
And I forgot how fucking amazing it was!

So I ordered the book.

She said she was going to be a writer and people scoffed.
But she did it.

I like that.

My uncle told me that no one can live off of dreams.
I smiled.
Nodded my head.
And thought to myself...

"Well I will prove you wrong."

It won't be easy.
Especially in this capitalist society.
But I don't care.

This life is too short to worry about material objects.
At the end of the day you don't remember what name brand somebody was wearing (unless you're a fembot).
You remember the people and emotions.

Well at least I do.

I think I am going to be a huge disappointment to my parents.
In their eyes at least.

Because I plan to actually live.

The true genius is in the padded room.

Who the fuck is anyone to call someone else crazy?

To fucking say that they need "medical help" because according to society they aren't normal.

Who they fuck can say that?
But it happens.
Anyone can be a psychiatrist/psychologist/psychoanalyst/fuck.
You can do it yourself.

My opinion.
My honest belief.

Those that are different according to societies standards are the ones that are truly living life.
They are closer to the meaning than they even know.

You can't fucking find the meaning of life in a cubicle.

Those that decide to live life like how they want are the true fucking geniuses of the world.
And society stuffs them into hospitals.
Forces pills down their throats.

Because if the secret on how to live a truly happy life got out...
Society as we know it would cease to exist.

And that's pretty fucking amazing.

My ears are clogged.

Literally.

It's not allowing my conscious to flow.

I need to fix that.

Muddled

So I'm meddling in human affairs and now my brain is all muddled up.
I'm confusing thoughts and emotions, attraction and distraction.

I never intentionally want to hurt anyone.
But I am my own.
I should be able to do what I want.
Right?

No.
Not when other souls are involved.

Human contact.
Physically, emotionally, consciously, sub-consciously, soulfully.
It can never be figured out.

Human Beings may be credited as the most complex and "intelligent" animals, but who ever said that was a good thing?

Haha

I'm regaining my poetic thought that I had in high school.

I love it.

But it scares me.

Because when I could write like this, I was in true love.

Who/What do I love now that has changed this???

Or have I finally started to become the person I want to be?
Am I the one that has done the changing?

Red

"Blood is the prettiest color of red."

She said this as she pricked her finger and spread the blood over her delicate lips.

They were the perfect color red.

Dreams can be Poison

Every time I see him and hang out with him...
I just want to grab him and hold his hand and kiss him like I used to.

I want to lay in his arms and kiss his neck.

But I'm scared...
I'm afraid he will pull away and push me away further.

I already know.
I saw it in my dreams.

And that was enough pain.

I wish my Life had a soundtrack.

Seriously.

How cool would that be?

I already have songs playing in my head simultaneously every goddamn day.
But nobody else can hear them.

That's what I would wish for.
That and to fly.

Oh, and true unconditional love with one special person. (You know? My own Edward Cullen)

That, that, and always love...

Our tears create the oceans.

I thought I was fine.
I am fine.

It's just that.....I don't know.
I felt exuberant after I let everything out.
I knew everything would be ok.
I felt like myself.

But last night I started crying when I heard "Anyone Else But You" on the car ride home.
I became anxious when he wouldn't text me back.
(And I tried to not think about it. I knew I was being foolish.)
I cried after I got off the phone with him.

The pain is from loneliness.
He was with friends; and I know I have dear friends that I love very much, but not here in Santa Maria.
He was the only one beside my family that I cared about here.
He was the only one who truly still cared about me when I would come home.
Now, even after our talk and hanging out the few times, I still feel like he is separating himself drastically.

Which I feel is silly because I know we consider ourselves friends, but...
It still hurts soooo much.

And he will always have a piece of me forever.
A part of my heart is attached to his eternally.
So even if he wants to, we can not be separated.

It will be easier when I go back to school.
It always is.
But this time I will devote myself to changing me and growing stronger.
I don't want to repeat my bad habits and mistakes.

And, hey, it's going to be a new year too.

I just need to control my thoughts more and meditate.
Concentrate on my breathing, like he would tell me to.

But maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I just felt like he wasn't treating me so much different from everyone else.
I mean I was always treated different by him because we love each other, but now I feel like he doesn't even treat me like a friend.

Ah, I just needed to get this out and off my chest.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm even hanging out with him.
Tomorrow is what I make it.

My attempt to write something completely different from my writing style...

The dark red night took you and I.
Your arrow pierced my heart more than once.
Now an arrow pierced yours.
And now my blood suffused with passion overfilled until I had to open my mouth and gurgle out those three words.

Your shallow breathing created a lullaby as a I took my sip.
As my poison took its course, you slowly closed you eyes and iridescent colors from memories past swept beneath.


Your lips parted ever so slightly as I laid mine upon them.
Your body shuddered delicately from my touch.

The ground turned crimson to lavender as my feet begun to spin.
I laid down next to you.
Hands clasped.

And together into eternal love we went.

Mmmm...

"Who knows how long I've loved you.
You know I love you still.
Will I wait a lonely lifetime?
If you want me to I will.

And if I ever saw you.
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered.
I will always feel the same

Love you forever, and forever.
Love you with all my heart.
Love you whenever we're together.
Love you when we're apart.

And when at last I find you.
Your song will fill the air.
Sing it loud so I can hear you.
Make it easy to be near you.
For the things you do endear you to me.
OH, you know I will.
I will."

- The Beatles

This song will forever bring tears to my eyes.

Sex Addiction

So I was watching this movie last night on Lifetime called Love Sick: Secrets of a Sex Addict and it made my brain come to the conclusion that sex addiction does not even exist. As does any other addictions.

Addictions stem from insecurity, unhappiness, or any other human emotions. And, yes, I'm well aware that drug addictions cause chemical imbalances within the body making it crave the substance but I believe that any addiction can be overcome with strong will. However, this is not easy to do, not easy at all. That is way so many humans are ravaged by it.

While watching this movie, I could relate with the character. Since I too considered myself a sex addict.

This woman who was called a "sex addict" wasn't at all addicted to sex. It stemmed from her father raping her as a child, her hatred of her marriage, and her unhappiness with her life. All she really wanted was true love and a fairytale romance. She felt that by having sex with all these men she would be loved, which was not the case at all. And even though she repeatedly got hurt over and over by her sexual encounters, she couldn't stop. She needed to change her life.

I could relate to this character's dilemma on a very strong level. Last year I was extremely depressed. Hated myself and what I was doing. I was not addicted to sex. I was trying to fill the emptiness within my soul by using other people.

This was not good at all.
Only you can give yourself true happiness. No one else can.

But now I feel like I'm becoming the person I want to be. I have made many mistakes and repeated them more than once, but I have learned from them.
It has been extremely hard. But I can now look in the mirror and not only recognize myself, but smile a genuine smile.

I think that humans get too caught up in this media controlled, materialistic society.
I am a strong believer that you create your own drama.
It all depends on how you handle a situation, or what path you choose to take, or how strong you are.

Of course, greed, racism, sexism, and straight out corrupt evil do not make humans or the worlds situation any better.

If a true revolution of love is to transpire, it will have to start on an individual level.
Each human being will have to first change their own consciousness...

And that seems more like a dream more and more than anything...

Crayons on the Wall

It was a white wall.
No pictures.
No personality.
No character.

I wanted to fuck it up.
I wanted to fuck it up into a gorgeous oblivion.

Rainbows, flowers, trees with ancient roots.
The colors ran through my veins until my own blood added to the montage of things that made me smile.

Then the blood tuned black.
Marring my depiction of a world gone perfect.
Teardrops, scars, broken hearts.

The archaic monstrosity of human nature obliterated love.
Turned it into this makeuped, "be thin", be quiet, -it's only like the media- concept.
Humans do not know true love, otherwise we would not destroy it so unknowingly.

My mind, my heart, my SOUL will not be chained.
Those bright crayon colors of bubblegum pink, grass green, sunshine yellow, lilac purple, and sky blue easily reach out of the murky blackness a human creates with their thoughts.

They easily reach out of the blood caked black until all my thoughts are surrounded by a rainbow.

And that's how I'll stay...