Lady Green Moth

Lady Green!
Lady Green!

You sit so peacefully on the bathroom wall.
Wings folded protecting your heart when you are grounded.
When you touch base with reality.

But when you fly...
Oh Lady Green!
When you open up your wings and fly, soar into the blue third eye of Mother Nature, you let your heart, your soul remain unprotected.

You know, I am not that different from you Lady Green Moth.
I too leave my heart unprotected at times.
I think it is healthy.

Yes.
I converse this with you.
You just sit there so stoically.
I know you understand me though.
You are a soul.

Hopefully, soon, I won't be flying alone.
Hopefully, soon, he will kiss me again and fly with me.

I feel like you understand.
Lady Green, you prefer flying as much as I do.

I am One with Time.

All the events of this week could easily fit into a month.
It came at me so fast.


But I loved and hated every minute of it with a passion so imbued within my soul.



I don't feel like anybody is a threat to me at the moment.
He will see in the end what is meant to be.
I see it now.
He just needs his time.
3 to 5 months time.


I want to tell him...
I am willing to make the effort to be with you forever in this life.
I will tell him in retrospect what i think everything means.
Last year i was so depressed and i felt so empty inside because i was denying my soul who it really wanted to be with.
I wanted to explore "my options" but my only true option was right there all along.

I knew it.

I think it is problematic finding your soul mate so young because when one is young you want freedom.
I wanted some freedom to do what i want.

But i will tell you a secret...
IT IS SO NOT FUCKING WORTH IT!

if you find your soul mate at a young age...work through the problems.
don't be selfish.

I regret it everyday until i am in his arms forever again.



now....

i just have to wait.



oh susan oh susan oh susan!
please give me the strength, patience, and understanding.

Susan

that's my guide closest to me.
she hums me to sleep.
she gives me answers when i seek.

Champion took me to the psychic to get spiritual help, in the end he got the most help.

I started crying the moment she asked me why there was disappointment in my life.
I cried because I didn't know the feeling was that strong.
I feel like i am never good enough for my mom.
She told me to disengage.
It would be ok.
It is hard though.
She is my mother. I love her.
In one past life, i was a servant to her.
That's where the strictness comes from.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH NOW!

Champion and I are soul mates.
I knew it.
We made a pact with God before we came down to live this life that we would live it together.
It's funny.
When i first laid my eyes on him in high school...there was a recognition felt.
A soul recognition.
In past lives we were Hawaiian. We were brother and sister. We were also married in one life. We were African slaves then. I was also a missionary in China and took him in and raised him. He was a homeless Chinese boy.

Our bonds are deep.

It also makes sense now why i am such a fighter for social justice and against racism. why i feel so connected to Africa although in this life i have no ties.

He is more confused than i am.
It's ok though....i feel that once you know you are soul mates..you cannot stay apart for long.

We still need a lot of communication.

He likes this girl right now.
The physic straight out told him though that she is a manipulator and is using him.
In 3 months something will happen that will open his eyes to her true intentions.
He is also going to get a break in LA with his music.
She told him to get out of Santa Maria.
I knew he needed to do that.

I did the fairy cards today.
Marriage literally flew out of the deck.
I would marry him.
But that doesn't mean i will give up my dreams.

Oh I will also be writing a book in this lifetime.
Look out for that. :)

I suggest everyone get a reading.
It is a life changing experience.

Chosen

Mukhtar.
Damn.
Potential?
Definitely really amazing friend.
Came when I was really depressed.
Now it's not so hard.

Hang out tomorrow....just talk.
Paint.
Sun.
I will tell him I understand now.
But that no GIRL will ever love him the way and how much I do.
Ditto.
Vice versa.

Washington DC came at the perfect time.
Worth getting sick again.
I will go back....
This time with more jackets!

I am coming to the conclusion of where I want to go.
What I want to do.
These conferences are educational to the max...
But in the end I really love the bonds that I form with people.

It makes my life so much more enjoyable.
I forget to soul connect with people at school sometimes.
I have made many new friends.

I think my heart is getting ready to heal now.
Yes.

"How can so much good exist in such a tiny heart?

And despite of all the pain she's in,
she never falls apart.
And if she does it lasts the length of seven songs
She dries her tears on her best friend's sleeves and dances
right along."

Oh, if only I could get like that.
If only it was so easy....

Don't be dependent....dependent on the magic.
The only true energy, the only true change is in yourself.
Remember that.
I sometimes forget.
If only it was so easy...

When I die I want to come back as a cat for awhile.
Animals are not here for us.
And we are not here for them.
It's symbiotic.
Their souls are no different from ours.
In the relationship, it is just two souls connecting and rejoicing.
Two souls loving.
That could be your soul one day as a dog.
Makes me want to become vegetarian.

I just want the page to turn already.
I just want to my heart to fully heal.
I want his heart to fully heal.
I just want to live.

Why is it so hard sometimes?

Dot

I have this red dot right in the middle of my wrist.
It hurts when I scratch at it.

It's just a tiny red dot.
Perfectly round.
So little.

It just appeared out of nowhere.

It is my beginning to my end.
It is my pain leaving my body.
Red is grounded.

chakra chakra chakra chakra

I can talk to the fairies for you, if you want?

It might just be a cut....a minuscule cut.
But what would life be without intuition?
Without reading into things spiritually?
Make the normal abnormal.

That is my goal.

.

Cooperative Living.

Fuck.

I am going to be living in the Newman co-op next year and then hopefully in the Biko house once a spot opens up.

I am super excited.
And I am not going to lie....I kind of want a boy roommate.
Girls are chill though....

As long as they are comfortable with me walking around naked in the mornings and me taking 30 minute showers :)

Ah! I think I may finally have a place to call my own though.
This year I did not belong anywhere.
I don't have a room at home in Santa Maria, I don't have a room at my aunts, and I don't have a room at Sandy and David's to call my own. (Although I am eternally grateful for their hospitality.)

I will finally have half a sanctuary.
I am going to paint a mural on my wall.
I am going to write poetry on my walls.
I am going to put up all my art that has been hidden these past 2 years all around the apartment.
I am going to have a shrine dedicated to air fairies in my room.
I can display all my wonderful books.
I can finally have my granny's quilt and my beautiful 60's flower comforter on my OWN bed.
I can play my record player and dance around again!
I am going to perfect my sandwich making and salad tossing.
I am going to make banana pudding next year...southern style.
Who knows?
If I am financially OK I might even get a kitty all my own.

Mhm. Next year is going to be wonderful. I just know it :)

Radio playing

ad after ad after ad.

I make up your life inside my own head.
You are doing this.
You are going there.
You are thinking of me.

Invisible conversations occur as luke warm water runs down my back, down my breasts.
My body is transformed into a passage way into an ether conscious mind fuck.
Dreams are a personal heaven and hell.

I haven't parked my car on the edge of the world in awhile.
I haven't inhaled poison in awhile.
I have drank it instead.

When I stop thinking of relationships
When I stop getting annoyed by the human condition
I FLOURISH!

The man with so much wisdom who made his voice into a musical instrument said
"It's not about the world...it's about LIFE."
He sang about Africa as a mother.

My soul is going to fly one day.
It is going to make it to heaven.
It is going to come back as a bluebird.

I swear....in my past life....I must have been an African.
I should investigate this.
I need to dance like a Sufi in a trance.
I NEED to be in a trance.
I need to go back in time in my mind.

drunk on love

i have onion breath.

i saw spoken word like its never been heard.
my only thought "i can do this shit."

i walked the streets by myself
do not call me
you fucking bois
i am not your "black widow"
what the fuck does that mean?

If you were intelligent you would know that the female black widow eats her mate.
You will eat me first however.

my pleasure is all you need.
Ice your blue balls.
i dont give a fuck.

he bit me hard.
so hard.
i have the marks on my back.
You fucking queer boi.
I love you though.

you hide.
you hide you identity.
your sexuality.
it's ok.
i understand.
I hide too.
I am so confused.

i should go to sleep.
i have work tomorrow.
fucking corporation work.
fuck.
i only do it so i can go to school
so i can live with the hippies.

in the end my life will be an artistic revolution.
i will travel the world living off of human beings generousity.
I will write.
write.
write.
write.

Oh! fuck me!
fuck me so hard!
love my vagina.
rub my clit.
it is a loaded pistol.

I hide myself.
You talk so much.
I know alot about you>>>

But do you know that much about me?

Fuck love me...
You aren't a season lover.
you are a lifetime

i am so drunk..kinda.
fuck the rum.
fuck the love
why did i text you?
Angel!
i knew you wouldn't respond.
they never respond.

Now i will go take out my eyes and wash away my everyday face and slip into dream land.
goodnight human beings.
fuck you and love you.

Life is one giant fucking.
orgy parties at Biko.
lets be real i will join those.

i love you.
don't ever forget that.

Sifting Through Time

Looking for my African prince in all conventionality.
I would dress his wounds after his revolution for humanity.

Oh, you see I just long for him to hold me in his ebony arms.
For his hands to delicately slip between my thighs.
His lips to caress mine so smoothly.
I want him to taste me.
I want to taste him.
His tongue tracing ancient ruins over my bare skin.

Then when the night is done.
He will leave in the morning to fight against everything my color of skin stands for.
He will fight against the oppression.
Exploitation.
Racism.
Capitalism.
ism ism ism.

I too will walk down that path.
Fighting against the power structure that calls itself whiteness.
Most people don't see that side of me.

And that is perfect.
Those who share in the exploitation of beautiful human beings whose skin is darker than their white skin....
Will never see me coming until it is too late.

He sees that side of me.
He loves me for it.
And at night our bodies melt into one.

One revolution.
One fight.
One love.

Oh, my African prince is so much more.

I will know, when our eyes meet.

Imbued With the Goddess

Fem.
Fem.
Feminist thoughts overpowered my mind.

You, boy, disgust me.

The histories, the pain, the emotions, THE SOULS of womyn past overwhelmed me.

You want a piece of meat?
Go fucking make out with the corpse of a cow.
I am more than the physical.

I transcended the barriers.

But can I always be like this?

The system's roots go deep deep deep, so deep.
They rise and constrain me.
Strangle my breath, my life.

It's only when I have fooled them into thinking I am a fem-bot sheep that they relax their grip.
Then I can attain a glimpse of freedom.

Soon those roots will lay dying as my free words and actions hack them apart.
I will bathe in the blood of a dying patriarchy.

But I cannot do it alone.
Will you join me?

Invincible

Nothing can hurt me.

I am sick sick sick sick sick.
Terribly sick.
All the time.

But it doesn't faze me.

Doctor visit one.
two.
three.
four.
five.
six.
seven.

I don't think about it.
Internal sickness.
Easier to forget.

I do need to eat better, sleep better, live better.
Vitamins.

I don't think about it because it scares me.

If I live like it doesn't exist it won't hurt me.

But I am not invincible.




I just want to go home and have my mom hold me.

Wicca.

I always knew it.
felt it.
loved it
lived it.
breathed it.

It's sometimes nice to have a path of guidance.

I know I'm not alone in my thinking.

However, I don't do well with structure.
Religion is structure.
No matter what you call it.
I know Christianity and Wicca are completely different but,
they are both religions.

I really like Scott Cunningham.
He calls Wicca a religion but also stresses how open they are.
You make Wicca.

I'm not going to call myself a witch.
But, my beliefs about the world coincide very greatly with Wicca and I will practice certain aspects of it.

I've been wanting to get more spiritual.
My friend started reading the book.
I found the book at a mystic store that I love.
To me, I stumbled upon Wicca.
And it's good.

It will help me stay devoted.
I am most interested in energy and visualization.

And communicating with animals.
All sorts have been in my dreams lately.

My phoenix is close to flames now.

Sun Dust.

Words.
words.
WORDS.

rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.

please.....SHUT UP?

I like the silence sometimes.
I like just sitting there not saying anything.
I like talking about NEW things.
Leave some things in the past.
That's where they belong.
And I don't dwell there.

anymore.

"hello officer."

Oops I did it again....

mhm i did it again and again and again.

But I am fine now.
I have always known this but...
people come to you when you most need them, but you can't search for them.
it's like happiness.

and...
people are more drawn to you when you ARE happy.
It's a cycle.
I experienced it this week.

Observe:
an action so charismatic
you cannot help but feel that everything is astronomic.

I See.

Morbidity is Righteous.

Great Bald Eagle.
Bigger than my life.
Tried to fly.
But you belong to America.

In my dream I saw a phoenix.
I was connected to it.
It was withering away and dying.
It was ugly.
It was me.

But that only means that my rebirth is coming.
And the time will not be long.
My phoenix is preparing to die.
To kill it's old ways once and for all.

Hopefully my next dream,
My phoenix will have already burst into flames.

Fire is cleansing.
Fire gives the sage life.

Eyes

It hasn't rained much this year.
The angels must have less to cry about.
But the oceans have become deeper from the tears of humans.
Has God forsaken us?
One must wonder in this world we live in.

So my friend is doing this documentary on her families stories from El Salvador and it really makes me want to learn more about my family history.

My grandparents immigrated here from Poland to Chicago.
When I read The Jungle by Upton Sinclair I couldn't help but wonder if that's what it was really like.
I know they shortened our last name from Pawlachek to just Pawl because it wouldn't be that obvious that they were immigrants.
Americanization.
I know both my grandpas served in the military.
Along with my uncle, and he had some wicked paranormal experiences in his life.
I know my great granny was a Rosie the Riveter during the Great Depression.
I know we are related to the Presley's (you know, Elvis) through marriage.

I need to ask questions.
They won't be here forever.

My mom's side of the family has their history laid out in The Book of Jones.
And my great uncle is really into tracing our family history.
But I just don't ask.

When I asked my mom about our Native American blood, she told me things that I never knew.
So I know for sure I am 1/16.
My great great grandmother was full Creek Indian and married a white man.
So my grandpa's father was half.
This can get so confusing sometimes.
My great granny used to take my mom and her brother to reservations so my mom was exposed and she said when she was little she was always interested in learning about Native Americans.
And she told me we hadn't traced it yet, but that they were always told that we had Cherokee blood.

When I was little my mom would expose me and my sister to Native American culture and I loved it but I never fully knew the meaning.
It was just exciting.
And I loved hearing the stories by the elders at the campfire.
That was always my favorite part.
Native Americans have some damn good storytellers.
Oral tradition.
Something that has been lost in this generation.

I've always felt a connection to this part of me.
I have great reverence for it.
It's a part of me that needs to be explored more.
I used to be hesitant in telling people because I look fucking Aryan.
My Polish genes shine through physically.
And sometimes when I tell people, I can see the judgement in their eyes.
But I'm proud of it.
Culture is not skin color.
Native Americans are a strong people.

I regret not exploring it more but now is never too late.

I think my spirit animal is a bluebird.

Oh! And my mom's side of the family owned slaves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK!
Southerners.
I asked her if we had African American blood but she said no.
However, rape was a common weapon.
So I might have some black family members out there.

Essentially I believe we are all family, but it would still be cool.
Not going to lie.

I see many learning experiences before me now.

? QuesTion.

If you stop questioning...
the answers will come.

like my bluebird of happiness will come.

Epiphany:
Weed can do wonders.
But according to Jerry Rubin it must remain illegal....for it to be a revolution.
I think people refuse to try it or try it again...because they are afraid.
I was afraid.
Weed IS a truth serum.
Some people can't and never will face their truth.

I am ready.

Weed has shown me many things about myself.
It has taught me things.

However, I will always stand by my original opinion about drugs...
YOU DON"T NEED THEM TO DISCOVER YOURSELF.
They are shortcuts.
You can always have epiphanies and find the pieces of you without doing a substance.
It just takes more work and time.

Last night.
I found my inner strength.
I'm not that afraid to walk down a street by myself anymore.
I'm not afraid to talk to someone I have never seen before.
Beautiful souls.
They glowed.

We are all humans living in this fucked up world together.
But humans have made this world fucked up.

And that's a disgusting realization.
It's easier to fall and lay there than to stand back up.

So far,
I'm sitting on the ground.
My strength is coming.

Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

horoscopes.
text messages.
music.
smile.
tear.
smile.
tears.
a forced kiss.
invisible conversations in the shower.

we spun around and around.
creating our own world.
drunkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
no recollection of the song playing.
She smelled so good.

I refuse to give myself identities sometimes.
i am what i am.

I will play the LOVE card.
Love is not an identity.
Love has no laws.

I will love who I want.

Don't ask me my sexual orientation.
I don't know and I don't care.
I just live in the moment.
Who I am with.

My horoscopes have come true so far.
Coincidence?Self-fulfilling prophecy?

I see the power of positive energy.
Please don't go away....

I like this feeling right now.

"Don't question it. You are so bi!"
Girl! you are a lesbian. Of course you want me to be bi!
ha ha ha

I'll give you a kiss though.

tExxxxT

"I love you hailey. I love you so much im going to see to it you're emotionally independent so the best of hailey will shine everyday independently in any circumstances. I promise. But you must be mindful until then".

Thank you.

My mmmmm mmmind is a fast track.
Overthinking. Overanalyzing.
Is it me?
Is it me?
"What the fuck is wrong with me?!"
I yelled to the only star I could see.
I was beginning to be fine.
But then he came along.
He screwed up.
No sorry....
I screwed it up.
Old habits die hard.
Fuck this.
I need to be happy alone.
alone.
alone.
solace.
I used to be independently emotional.
What the fuck happened to me?
I think it is a mixture of things that I need to finally come face to face with.

I want it to be next year already.
But when I think about it.
I want it to be next year because I feel like I can start new.
But it needs to start NOW! NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!

My grandpa's mind is withering away.
Last night he peed in the hallway.
He thought it was the bathroom.
He is scared.
I would be too.
I am scared.
I am scared for my mom.
I am scared for my grandpa.
I am scared for my family.

It will all be OK in the end.

Yeah...I keep telling myself that.

Poetry That Belongs to the Past Part Deux

I have so much!!!!


Why is it that medicine causes more sickness than what you've already got.
"Side effects include..." it drones on and on.
Just inject me with the sleeping sickness already so I can close my eyes and forget my fears.
One day I pulled off my epidermis layer by layer...
getting rid of all my flaws.
By the time I was done, only my heart was left.
At least one thing remained untouched.
But my transparent lips spoke too soon
for my heart soon came to know the world and it too crumbled away
like ash into the iridescent breeze.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I flew over the countries ti's of thee
but there was only "ONE nation under God".
He was 16 and sent to Vietnam to fight the war on terrorism.
He barely touched the communistic dirt before he was shot in the back of the head.
A vision flew forward out of his eyes as he fell into a swamp.
He saw a little girl in a blue dress filling a yellow hole with crimson blood.
Hitler came up and took her by the hand.
He was wearing the star of David.
(Maybe we are what we fear.)
He did not know what this meant as water filled up his lungs.
All he knew was that he was dead.
Suddenly he was standing by his floating body, the army green and red.
And he cried as he realized...
That only some humans really see history.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm in a state of despaired disdain.
It's like when your cells are parched
but you've already drunk all of the half full glass of water.
The glass is dry but you're still thirsty.
So you start chewing the glass.
It's a liquid too.
But the boy next to you still has a full glass...and he's not even touching it.
So you stop and stare at him, blood dripping, eyes wet.
You throw chicken bones at him and start humming a lullaby.
Voodoo never worked for you,
but neither did anything else.