The disease of the mind that progresses slowly each day.
Only old memories of childhood and times that are no more exist within.
Can't remember what happened yesterday.
Can't remember what happened 5 minutes ago...almost.

The disease of the body known as a cancer that is maifested by one's own energies.
herbs?
radiation?

why is there disease?
we create the diseases.
processed foods to lower the numbers after the money symbol.
hate everywhere filling up the heads of little ones before they can even comprehend the abstract meaning of the emotions they feel.
no more fresh air.
no more clean oceans.
no more fresh water.
no more food picked straight from the greatest healing source of all: Mother Earth.

We are destroying are only chance of survival.

...that is...if she doesn't destroy us first.

"I See Fairies!"

Children are so precious.

I have gotten myself into trouble.

I promised all the little girls crystals...

now every time they see me they ask.

They have the memories of an elephant!

I shouldn't have given her the crystal to begin with but I couldn't help it.

I knew she would go tell her little friends that I gave it to her, but I knew she was leaving for kindergarten and would be entering a society not so kind.

She was just too adorable. A Kimya Dawson mini look-a-like.

That small quartz crystal had a lot of love and positive energy put into it.

It would help her more than me.

Guess it's time to go buy a bunch of crystals.

Today as I stood in the ocean and let the waves crash me down, I started to let the past life regression memories of Lemuria wash over me.

I felt sad.

But the Ocean told me that the world had to change so new lessons could be learned.

To speed up the spiritual journey.

Well, if California is the first to go under....at least I'll be going home.

(Sun sign: Sagitarius) (Moon sign: Aquarius) (Rising sign: Cancer)

I believe we choose our signs accordingly for each life.
It is like a road map to self understanding.
The same way we choose what gender, what ethnicity, what color our skin will be, hair, body shape, religion...
We are the makers of ourselves.
Each choice for a new life offers different lessons.
My choice to be a white womyn in this life presents me with unique and different lessons compared to the soul who chose to be a black man in this same life.
I truly believe that tapping into previous soul manifestations is important for all humankind.
It teaches that we are actually not all that different.
We are all connected.
I have known all these souls in different physical forms than the ones they currently inhabit.
Regressing into these past migrations of the soul teaches empathy.
You were once and male and female, black and white, muslim and christian, brown and yellow, here and there.

I believe the world was once different than the world we live in now...
wait...
I believe society was once different that the society we live in now.
The world has never changed, only us, our consciousness.
The history that we now recount in books in this society is a new history.
We don't even really know how old the world is.
The history we now say we know is filled with greed, hate, and fear...but I don't think true history has always been like that.
The theories that have been created speculating what life was like before documentation are theories created with the mindset and consciousness of today's society.
And by today, I mean the beginning of where our history books start.
Our history is just a day in comparison with the history of the world.
The consciousness has always been shifting.
Like a pendulum.

This world is getting sick.
This world is getting tired.
This world is finally standing up and saying enough is enough.
Mother Nature is cleaning.

Call it the end of the world, if you want.
But it will only be the destruction of the world humans have created out of greed.
In any magic spell, in any magic happening, one must first clean the energy of the space.
Sage burning.
Wipe the spirit board.
And that is what the world is starting to do now.
Cleaning away the built up negative energy.

Death is inevitable, but not the end.
Death is a concept humans created out of fear of the unknown.
But the unknown can be easily known.
You just have to let go of the fear.
We all have the capability to govern our own destiny.
To know the readings of energy on all levels.
Just unblock yourself.

We have already planned our lives before we were even born.
Sticking to the plan is another thing in itself but the guidelines are there in our higher consciousness.
Just ask.

Like the Hopi knew,
"we are the ones we have been waiting for."

Research Paper drafts

In a small town a swap meet is a place to be on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. One will find themselves walking between tables stacked high with merchandise and knick knacks of all sorts. It is like an outdoor thrift store. Elote, horchata, cotton candy, and nachos towering with jalapenos are advertised at nearby stands. Going into the heart of the swap meet,one starts to find more established stores. A dress boutique on the left and a man with his store space packed full of TVs and VCRs and videos on the right. Then a scent of burning incense, like when one walks into an old church, crosses paths with your sense of smell. You look around to see where it is coming from and spot a small shop with a rack of incense and bumper stickers sitting out front. With peaked curiosity you go inside and discover a store that is almost like a church.

If one does not have prior knowledge of the occult, Botanica Manivye will seem quite shocking when glancing at some of the merchandise. Shelves of candles take up a quarter of the store with labels such as Healing Light, Control, and some with pictographs of holy saints. Some candles take on the shape of a cat, two lovers, or the devil. Jars of dried herbs such as Mugwort, Sage, and Dragon's Blood line the walls. Pendants bearing voodoo coffins, pentacles, and various crystals hang next to long necklaces strung with brightly colored beads of white, yellow, red, and green. Glass shelves house spirit boards, tarot and oracle decks, crystals, and a jar of black cat eyes. Multiple altars find shelter in the botanica, as well, with candles, coins, incense, statues and jars of water filling the table tops. Antique black art, such as pictures, statues, and posters are dispersed throughout the store. A statue of a beautiful black womyn bathing stands in front of a poster of Malcolm X. A corner of the room is curtained off as the consultation room. However, the energy and feeling one gets when inside Sister Angie's botanica is of tranquility and acceptance. Sister Angie, a short middle aged womyn with long, thin dreads with bracelets and rings covering her arms and hands, greets you and makes sure you are finding what you are looking for. As you smile and nod that you are just looking, she hurries back to her consultation room to finish up a shell reading. Macy Gray plays in the background softly as you continue to look at the strange mystifying objects. One can easily get lost in thought while in Botanica Manivye and can truly start to see that "magic" really does exist.

Shops like Sister Angie's have emerged from a deep, rooty history. Botanicas, Yerbias, Hoodoo drugstores, Wiccan/Metaphysical/Spiritual shops are all connected by the same energy, the same history despite the alias they go by.

Vou Dou Hou Dou

"No. The ancestor spirits are already with you."

sage cleanse
candle burning
mugwort brewing
THC traveling

Things can get deeper
my roots, perhaps?

It is of the earth.
let us intertwine the belief systems.

I was floating in a turquoise bubble.
The animals were drowning but I tried to save them.

i want to remedy everything with you and vegetation.
You know, if we hold our breath long enough under the sea our rebirth will happen.

I was a physician in Egypt.
Eye of Horus-maybe i helped you?
I was a barmaid in Ireland.
Fairy Tales
I was a slave from Africa.
Truthfully Freedom
I was a missionary in China.
I was shaman in America before the land had a name as such.
I was a "witch" in Puritan.
I was a black radical in a concrete land handing out Mao.
I was practicing shape shifting in Lemuria...

The more I try to grasp an understanding, the more complex it becomes.
The more questions I obtain to what I thought were answers.

The truth is simple.

sometimes i forget that we are all just made of light.

sometimes i forget this is just a brief dream.

this is real, but not as real as we sometimes force it to be.

oh darling dear.

visions...

past lives flitter underneath my now eyes.

I was once hung.

I felt it so strongly that night.

I had to keep drinking water.

I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I remembered my childhood "game"

....I would tie a rope around my neck then tie it to something else and lean forward to feel that strangulation....

seems sexual, but it wasn't.

I just did it.

I have a thyroid problem, located in the throat area...a manifestation.

I believed it was related to my life as an African slave, it's relevant.

But it's not.

I was hung for being a "witch".

Last night the visions while meditating seemed from the Salem Witch Trials.

I'm not sure though.

The more I focused on those visions the more suffocated I felt.

I asked Archangel Michael to cut any ties to that past life that were affecting me now.

I believe that is why I have hesitations to talk about my spirituality and knowledge with others.

Champion is the only one I feel comfortable talking to.

When I do find others, I get so excited, like it's a coven or something and I just want to share all my knowledge and know theirs.

But there are always those who doubt and I feel it.

And I become conscious, which is bullshit.

A doubting of my abilities.

I know it is their insecurities playing upon me, but it gets to me.

It got to me.

They can doubt all they want, for it is me experiencing the truth and love of the Creator and all Heavenly beings.

I know the miracles that have graced my life.

I believe my insecurities related to expressing my true nature about my spirituality is related to me being persecuted for my beliefs some time long ago.

Well, it is no more.

I have cut the ties and the healing is happening.

This life will be different.

That life may be why I despise structured religion so much too.

hmm....haha...who knows?

I got 18 more lives to uncover in this 1.

and 25 to still fully understand and heal from completely.

Bring it on....I have eternity.

medicine

working at a place for conventional alternative holistic medicine

cannabis

marijuana

hash

indica

sativa

fruity name after name

i come to a full circle of understanding weed culture

the addictions

the pain

the fear

hmm...the fear...

the fear of allowing your true thoughts out.

an attempt of your soul to break the blocks you have created

...if you are remotely aware

i like to smoke on occasion.

i really enjoy complete meditation when high.

how many people meditate when high?

not many

i feel like it makes me more one with the plant.

human behavior is so interesting when high and in a large group of people whose mental state is way somewhere else...

but i find myself constantly having to shield myself from others energy. way more than usual.

i think it is just because i can feel energy more when high.

people are so unaware and unconscious that they are responsible for their environment.

always.

"this is so awkward"

stop

why?

think:you are responsible for those emotions as well

tarot de sirena

card after card laid down in the sand.

sand crabs jump onto them.

all readings end with success.

success

success

what does that mean?

material?

spiritual?

all i know for truth is that when I finally let go of worry

when i sat down by the ocean waves and wrote a paragraph for my book

everything changed.

the only block to my manifestations was me.

i miss photography.

i was good.

i am good.

i miss my imagination coming out on a piece of dead tree.

i miss capturing time.

i miss the morbidity i transcribed.

i miss going outside with my sister near sunset and making her dress up.

making her jump in a freezing cold pool in January.

making her lie down in the street.

i miss controlling light.

i miss making my poetic lines come to life with a snapshot.

i miss manipulating reality.

i am going to change all of this.

i am going to afford a camera worth artistic endeavors.

i am

i am

i am

I am a published author.

oh, affirmations you have taken me far.

even my subconscious speaks these affirmations and brings me things I did not ask for.

Thank you universe for allowing me to see the beauty in this new friendship.

I knew we always had some connection but now it is being nurtured.

oh, Creator you never cease to amaze me.

These walks are good.

Purple purple purple auras in all the trees.

I can now hear their names.

Layla

George

Elwin

I should have spoken more to that traveling couple.

They were aware.

They knew about crystal magic.

But, I believe our relationship in this life was me just giving them food in exchange for a turquoise ring.

Maybe in a past life they helped me out in a time of need and I was simply returning the favor.

Oh, but it gives my soul hope.

Chamuel

I walk into the scapegoat of time

to only discover that the cannibal has eaten all of my heart.

Yet the heart is just physical.

How can you destroy something that is purely energy?

purely light?

purely love?

The cannibal of monstrousity may have peeled my skin off, dug into my flesh, chewed my organs, and chipped my bones down to marrow

but I am still here.

glowing so bright you could never get lost in the dark.

25 lives in this school known as human Earth and I can not help but wonder...

Why did I keep coming back?

Earth Angel

yes that is me.

So Mr.Cannibal don't let the feathers of my wings get stuck in your teeth.

I will be back again as a jaguar and you as a wild buck

and it will be I who will taste your flesh.

25 lives and counting.

Heaven

Lemuria

Ireland

Africa

England

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Here now.

What am I supposed to do?

Oh mother world! Come lay your tired body in my arms. I am here to help you.

I just need to know how?

why?

the smallest of creatures can make the world of difference.

my past manifestations may be in the history books of this ghastly society but never in this life.

I write my own dreams.

goals

graduate from this school already.

marry Champion.

leave in September of 2011 for Europe,Ireland,Africa,Philippines, and Hawaii.

rediscover my ocean origins in Hawaii through past life transgressions from Lemuria.

write as many children's books as I please.

support and be the manager for Champion's music lessons,performances, and recordings (ohhhh yoko! haha)

become a mother to my 3 children.

teach Athena and the other two (haven't received their names yet) about everything.

ask 2 dogs and 3 cats (maybe a rat or bird) to join our family.

obtain Champion and mines dream home in Texas or Arizona (has a vortex) or Colorado.

find more earth angels and star seeds to reconnect with who are aware.

completely and utterly open all of my psychic abilities.

help others to reconnect with their psychic abilities.

love with a true love.

innocence is not really innocence all the time.
love plays a large role in interpreting who is true,
for truth is love and love is truth.
realize that all is good.
the so called "evil" is controllable for it is within the human ego.

your third eye burns to see passion done.
for all.
you will not always need cannabis to concentrate.
your true focus is always there.
it is helping you release your fears within.

listen to him more intently, darling, for he too was once your teacher. (Champion)

throat chakra, writing abilities...call upon Gabriel.
She will heal.

see yourself with more love.
see others with more love.

always feel your wings flapping for you one day will fly again.
practice controlling your energy more.
you already know how to do this.
routine.

love

cats, bluebird, lion, ostrich (?)= power animals

call upon unicorns more

when you second guess your aura colors on others you close yourself up.
feel to see the energy
doubt is your worst enemy

ask joan about cats.

legumes, dried fruit, less alcohol, white bread and pasta.
run on beach

-Susan (channelled)

creature of the night.

being of the night.

soak up the rays of moon.

"just do it"

jacket

shirt

pants

underwear

off

run run run run run run run run run run run

our bodies coincide with your dark blue energy.

healing love.

i raise my voice in a protesting scream,

that quickly turns to laughter.

you dive in.

run run run run run run run run

i follow.

"don't get dressed yet!"

stand and absorb the healing power of the goddess.

hers is the only light around.

this is timeless.

we are free.

put our clothes back on in a frenzy.

shake out the sand.

we walk back to my apartment to most likely cuddle and watch a movie.

hand in hand.

let's stay like this forever.

"And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain

Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder."

the music i found through a passion i once knew before never changed as i changed.

yet as my thoughts and understanding of this society change and constantly evolve...
the people i want to surround myself with changes.
changes constantly for i am always changing rapidly how i view things.
2
3
4
years.

i need to change the humans.
sometimes i don't want to but they are changing differently than i or not at all.
they come to a plateau of mundane standstill.

i asked you all
and you told me spiritual teacher
but what does that mean?
how do i do that when i find it hard to listen to their words?

please show me
is this a change i need?
or am i overreacting?
allowing my ego feelings to once again take control?

i guess...
i am just asking for your help now.
help to learn and help to teach.

"You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind."

i know you all will be there.

ccold ccold cold
shivers course through my body

i am drawing myself away from people i once knew and cherished deeply.
i don't know why.
my life lesson. (sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss)

i will never stop learning.
i will never stop changing.

patience.
i need to practice.

my deeper parts of my soul has always resisted the norm.
they all think i have conformed.
people i know i don't really know and they don't know me at all.

i am the only one who truly knows me and even that is still a mystery.

so much turmoil going on all around me.
people getting angry, frustrated, hurt.
i still get the anger i once knew a few years ago but it has learned to be replaced.

with all this happening,
i still feel deep down that there is nothing to be afraid of.
everything will be ok.

don't be too afraid.
don't be too sad.

oh, happiness.
how do you show others this forgiveness?

two thought and thousand 12/12/

everyone who is everyone is right about their theory.
end of the world?
end of time?
it's going to seem that way.

everything must reach a peak of no return before it starts to level out again.
peace.

we are living the peak of hell's mountain right now.

Greed and evil must make itself so overt and unbearable for humans to all finally stand up and say enough is enough.
but another thought...
what if it's not becoming more overt?
what if humans are just becoming more aware?
their awareness making the evil seen.
spiritual awakening?

we are all about to live out some interesting times.
times before time does not exist anymore.

Celestine
Gaia
Estrella
Skye
Griffyn
Aliyana
Poet
Maeve
Michael
Raphael
Ariel
Jude
Moon
Cecilia
Pan
Story
Sunny
Nirvana
Lennon
Malcolm
Salvador



Who knows what name you will be given my beautiful babies?

I think I will know when my soul physically meets yours.

Oh!

i want to run through the forests
pet the unicorns
fly with the bluebirds
paint with the butterflies
with Ariel by my side.

i want to stand up for those who can't
climb the highest rainbow
walk the streets without fear
jump down the waterfall
with Michael by my side.

i want to express my truth to those i love
know complete forgiveness
love
with Uriel by my side.

i want to heal his heart ultimately
wipe away all those tears
eradicate the scars humans have caused
obliterate pain we create
with Raphael by my side.

i want to give birth to new lives
know the love a mother knows
show the love i know her and i have
with Gabriel by my side.

i want to drift on music notes
help him change the hearts
heal the negativity
with Chamuel by my side.

i want to open all my chakras
have no doubt
see, hear, feel, think
with Raziel by my side.

i would be nothing without you by my side, beautiful angels.

goodnight, i love you.

Begin

banana cream pie
Land Before Time

yeah, that must have been nice.
2012 2012 2012 2012 2012 2012 2012 2012
the last man made year?

Bluebird come take me away.
Fly me to the moon.
moon
moon moon moon
goddess.

black doll with the ash face.
brown bunny
b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b

i will walk barefoot to my death.
or should i say my being.

i am jealous of those who "die"
for a moment....
then i am happy.
they have completed their purpose, learned their lessons.
i will soon join them...
my work is just not yet done.

i may cry some tears but i simply see that as a human accommodation thing to do.
my ego cries.
my higher self rejoices.

death as a human is a curious thing.
the energy depletion shock, the loss of the material is the only thing that will hurt the ego.

i am not afraid of leaving this life.

i honestly can not wait.

but i have yet served my purpose here.
there are still people i need to teach.
there are still people that need to teach me.

it is so comforting to think of being rid of this body one day.
to be in Heaven, free.
more free than i even know what it means.

i wonder what it is like all the time.

GROUND YOURSELF.

i know,
present,
i am here now.

i do not

end

Lightning Bolt

Shark Attack.
Heart Attack.

The number one killer is terrorism....oB(ush)ama

what is change?
what is hope?
Can it be found in one single human being?

Or are they simply the spark to the powder keg of humanity's truth?
But then, what is truth?

My truth does not match your truth.

And, can those sparks of fire be false?
man-made versus nature

i like to listen to humans voices floating in sync with heaven.
Chamuel, free us please.
i like to lie here listening to God's music, forgetting what i can not change.

They say music eliminates and balances energies.
But, what music do you choose to listen to?

Light blue auras mean clairaudience.
Please Michael take away my remaining doubt, I sometimes think I am still talking to myself.

"But is not Heaven within you?"

I see them. I see my beautiful angels always.
They whisper in my ears.
They stroke my hair as i fall asleep.
They sit in the back of my car as i drive home at midnight, scrunched up so that i can't help but laugh.
They stand by my side as i lay on the doctor's table.
They come when i know i have made a mistake.
They come when my past catches up to me.

They are here right now.

The Ultimate Goal

We walk on top of our soul's old temples.
buried deep into Mother Earth.
years, decades, centuries, and eons ago.
Some don't even realize.
A flutter of your heart, a chill down your spine.
"Oh child, someone just walked over your grave!"
That holds more truth than some are willing to admit.

We will know when we come face to face with ourselves.
It is the next human being that walks in the door.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
That should be the ultimate goal.
There is a power balance that is tilted.
It seems that some are just fighting for more power.
And although the oppressed are justified in this quest...
there will never then be the true equality they claim.

The ultimate goal, the ultimate truth...
When you look at another human being you should see yourself reflected back.
no race, no gender, no sexuality, no class, no age, no religion, no differences.

When every single human being can look at one another and see themselves reflected back,
the mirror of pure truth,
then this worldly society will truly be Heaven.

We are all light and love.
Stop seeing the mundane material.

Through the Looking Glass

Goodbye.
I stepped through my mirror today
Just to see.
Looked out the window at the purple leaves
and the spiders having tea.
The sky was red, from passion.
I walked through the window for there were no walls.
"Yeah! When pigs walk!" I heard the elderly girl exclaim.
And sure as stars they were up dancing on clouds.
Shoes for money!
Who woulda thought?
No thorns or stones to prick us now.
Hand me my rainbow quilt,
we'll dive into the sand mirage
And spend the dight and the nay playing dolls.
But don't forget your wising basket to cast.
Please throw away my artificial frown.
Don't forget to see the ice cream man for your cough.
Lemony Lime with a hint of Cherry.
cherry soda pop
Thank you for the remembrance, I'll put it under the tree.
But don't forget to give my love to the mirror world.

Hello.
I stepped through my mirror today.
Just to...live.
Looked out the clouded window at the brown leaves
and the spiders killing the bees.
The sky was blue, but not for long.
I walked through the guilded door, there were no lights this time.
"Yeah, when peace prevails!" I heard a man say.
And sure as death, there were resounds of gunshots.
Lives for money!
That's reality.
No love or smiles to save us now.
Hand me my camouflage.
We'll dive into the mud stained
And spend today and tomorrow playing war.
But don't forget your checkbook and Bible.
Make sure to stomp my smile til it's crooked.
Don't forget to go to the waiting room for your cough.
Antiseptic Advil Zoloft
Coco Cola McDonald's
Thank you for the hate, I'll be sure to pass it on.
But don't forget to give my criticisms to the mirror world.

Goodbye.
I stepped through my mirror today.



(i have never been as proud of a poem before and yet to write one of the same magnitude in my mind.)
-Hailey Pawl 2007

Unearthed

the smell of dirt fills the nostrils of the ancients.

channelling
attempt
now

i can feel them

what guidance do you want me to know?
believe
let others believe
flowers&sunshine

some elders just came in.

living is only the beginning of all things. the universe loves all.
death is only the beginning.

i need to look within more, for all the answers are already there.

I cried Kisses.

I sweated out some hugs.
water in
water out
water heals
water can kill

I cried Blood.
I sweated out some bones.
human in
human out
human heals
human can kill

I cried Bullets.
I sweated out some prisons.
slavery in
slavery out
slavery...
slavery can kill

I cried Racism.
I sweated out some invisible segregation.
hate in
hate out
hate...
hate kills

But then,
I cried Light.
I sweated out some Love.
life in
revolution in
begin in

Light + Love = Healing

Elwin

Step down the sands of time, past the red ant keepers.
and there he was.
cigarette packs, crushed beer cans, broken wine bottles.
poisonous outlets of human pain strewn all around when all they had to do was ask and believe.
pieces of institutionalized wood hammered into the veins.
so much pain wrought onto another living thing without consciousness.
but he was so willing to take others pain.

we made love within the branches and the roots.

he told me it was amusing.

we sat with our backs to him and asked to be healed.
he took away all my debris.

you still have a lot to do in this life. but you are completing.

i feel at home

in the ocean.
time vanishes.

i eat the seaweed.
wear it in my hair.
when the wave crashes, it takes away all my sickness.

i don't want to leave.

i feel at home.

i feel at home with you.
we will be a wonderful family.

HPV

fear


what?


i am joy.
i am love.
i am light.

I AM HEALED.

eyes create like fountains bubble

what have you learned in this life?

Earth is a school.
a school above all other schools.
a school some people do not know they are attending.

Some humans decide to take the harder classes in this life.
some the easier ones.
and some have already lived through the harder classes and the easier ones are their creation.

anyway, it's all up to you which class to take.
your choice.
free will.

"you are the main character in your story. You can change it anytime when you do not like it."

But can you see?
can you see past all your lies you have created?
are you even aware that you are lying to yourself and others?

------------
i woke up from a dream i asked to remember.
i woke up from a dream i asked to have guidance in.

i woke up with the number 500 bouncing around my head.
i woke up with the number 500 uttered from my lips from a deep sleep.
500
500
500

my conscious level....i thought this first.
But the weekend before I had printed out an article on angel numbers by Doreen Virtue.

I do not believe in coincidences.

500
"an important message that let's you know that your life changes are in Divine and perfect order. They are a gift from God and in alignment with God's will for your higher self."




Thank you.

Innocence and The Ocean

I believe that I am new.

Changed.

Two years of sadness and repeated
mistakes.
I've finally burst into cleansing flames.
Came out of my cocoon to see Divine light.

I have changed.
Certain things are not as important to me anymore.
I have a new outlook on this Life.

Two more years.
two more years.

I have decided to not attend graduate school after UCSB because I feel like this institutionalized schooling is a waste of time and life.
All I need to know, I already know.
All I need to learn is within.

Besides, one year later it will be 2012.
I have a feeling Life will be drastically different then.

I can manifest everything I need and want.

I need to remember to stay grounded to this world though.
Sometimes I get so lost in the other dimensions.

My Angels are always with me though.

beLIEve

I am genderless.
I am raceless.
I am classless.
I am sexless.

I am what I believe I am.

But you believe I am something else.

The original sin was lies.
We all live in a big fucking web of lies.
That's why it's so hard to see the truth.
This web of lies sticks and blinds all our eyes.
1st eye
2nd eye
3rd eye

The truth is so simple.
We have all had revelations of the truth.
Sometimes we pass it off.
Sometimes we stop, think, and then laugh at how silly we are.
The truth was right in front of us this entire time.

but our lies have grown so big!
So big that they have taken on their own organism.

in my point of view...
it's no lie when they say for any revolution to occur, it must happen within.

City Lights

city lights dotted across the world
street lamps neon signs
a desperate attempt to recreate the stars above
but the attempt is similar to humanity
blind blinded blindness
an attempt with city lights to recreate the stars while we muffle them from sight
make them hard to find with the human eye just the same as some desperately try to find their own light but are quickly diminished by yet another
"technological advance"
city lights city lights
dotted across the world
street lamps neon signs

notice though how the recreation of stars only occurs in those areas of the world deemed "better richer smarter sufficient happier"
i laugh. laugh. laugh
the recreation of stars is a leap away from true light.

Those "third world" countries are by far the wisest.

I am good enough

NOW.

Birds of a Feather

I find bird feathers EVERYWHERE!

I found an angel feather once too.
I know so because I asked.

I take them as signs, reassurances.
I find at least 5 a day.
I come across them when I least expect it.
But I come across them whenever my thoughts are troubling or Im thinking of God.

I take some home with me.
I wear some in my hair.
They are fairy gifts and I can't just ignore them.

Some might see them as just seagull or pigeon feathers.
But I know who left them there for me.
And it's your loss that you have stabbed your inner child in the heart and gouged out its third eye.

I hope you find comfort...eventually.

Birds of a fether, flock together.
But, baby, I'm a whole new type of bird!

Hot Mess

I think it explains our relationship hahaha!

thoughts bespoken

if we spoke with our mind then lies would cease to exist.

true, our minds and thoughts, kept silent from the outside world, is a haven at times.
but if we all communicated with our minds then a lot more problems than just not having a safe place would disappear.

we would know all intentions. all fears. all happiness.

my chakras need balance.
your chakras need balance.
we can get there together.

blocked

there is this doubt doubt doubt in my mind.
this subconscious doubt and i would also say fear.

i don't know of what though.
its healing light and love that I'm trying to obtain.
this society has affected me more than i knew.
and that scares me because i am one who rebels against society rules and morals.
what is there to say (and hope) for those who follow the status quot then?

i need to get away soon.
i need to meditate more.
i need to love EVERYONE more.
i need to curb my judgements.
my jealousies.
petty shit.

I need more patience.
part of me feels like im just testing the spiritual realm.
which i dont want to do.
I know what is there.

I need to have complete faith and give myself completely over to the universe.

easy does it easy does it.
thats what the fairies told me.

my psychic block can be lifted.

rainbows rainbows rainbows
light

incarnated elementals

its comforting.

starpeople.
angelic realm.
fairies.

they exist.
believe.

you can learn to manifest everything and anything you want.
debt and despair can be no more.

just believe.

...and love.

tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock...tick
words shoot through me, sharp words, leaving open wounds in my flesh flowing crimson blood.
it pools at my feet.
i slip.
i fall helplessly through the rabbit hole.

I dream and it feels so real. so real that i need to force my eyes open to snap back to reality.
i don't remember taking off my clothes...did you?
over and over and over and over and over.

tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock...tick

destroy all watches, all clocks.
then snap back to reality.
the reality where you are one with everything.
your biological clock has been demolished by technology and pills.

You can always learn to love yourself.
i can help you, if you want.
i'm still learning too.
it's not so hard when you are not alone.

remember, i love you.

A Riddle to Question.

101
all i have to do is tilt the steering wheel.
close my eyes.

and finally wake up new.

what would happen after?

i would be saved.

Another year has passed.

and what the fuck have i done?

what am i doing?

that is the ultimate question.
the question i am tired of asking.

the life i am tired of living.

i only truly live in his eyes.
i only truly live with him.

i only live the way i want in my head.
i want my head to crack open.
i want to live the way i want.

i dont want to just be another human being in this fucked up world.

Attemptation

one two
blush cheek eye shadow eye mascara lip stick gloss little black dress
all for you?
three four
this society has taught me to talk and think about nothing more
than sex- how to only please my man (?)-
nothing more than how pink is the new orange.
And "OMG! Did you see what that skank was wearing?"
please...What a fucking bore!

Womyn perpetuate and perpetuate this cycle of a make-upped self hate.
They have entered our brains with images in magazine ads of stick thin barbies-images that you must die your hair blond, that you must be white but spend $15 twice a week to get your spray tan.
They have replaced our brains with television screens to the point where we womyn cannot even anymore relate.

Well my television screen has long been broke and kicked out to the street.
You see my heart has its own rhythm now. It is NO longer synchronized to that new rap song they play on the radio about how womyn are just there to rape and beat.
no.
no.
no.

Feminism is hot.
But how do we expect this feminist movement to thrive in such a patriarchal sexist and racist society
when we have not had a revolution within ourselves yet.
We still conform to their set propriety.

Wake up! Beautiful Womyn! Wake up!

I dress to impress

the inner goddess
looming in my chest.

All I want to do in life is go on one big crayon drawing-poem writing-rainbow bus driving-guitar playing-love making with my soul mating-skinny dipping-just living quest.

I don't fancy your politico-economico talk.
You don't impress me. You give me no vital shock.
I already see the bullshit mess this New World Order has us in.
I can fight and fight and fight but if you don't open your eyes and see the truth then how the fuck do I expect to win?

I'm tired.
Tired of the racism-sexism-classism-bigotism-hypocritism-negativism.

This energy creeps into me.
Sucking me dry, allowing me to never be
completely free.

That is why I must escape.
I must escape to a life some in cubicles only dream about.

You see, once you strip away your need for material comfort.
Material support.
That life is no longer a dream.

Just give me a few dresses and sweaters, hand knit scarves and a good pair of jeans.
Just give me a camera, a guitar, a notebook and some pens.
Just allow me to have my books and one blanket.
Just let me live with my darling and let my family thrive in a forest by the sea.

I eat my love everyday, all day.
And that's all I need.

Dancing Sun

I have ancestors.
People of the Creek.
Indian.
I have native ancestors who were birthed from this land, this land known as the United States of America.
Land of the Free.
Free. Free? Freedom.
My ancestors were truly free. They took only what they needed. They praised Mother Earth. And she in turn protected and provided for them.
My ancestors were spiritual. They saw the unseen forces. They saw the inner workings of creation.
But now this land has hidden its secrets from all who live on it. Now this land cries.
My ancestors are no longer free.
A white race declared themselves supreme.
More superior than Mother Nature herself.
I resemble this white race.
My skin is that of snow.
I get the privileges of having a skin with no color.
Because my great great grandmother married a white man.
Married a white man to survive.
I have not experienced the hate of racism personally.
But I see it.
My ancestors live on through my eyes.
My eyes have seen. My ears have heard. My soul has felt.
And my ancestors will not let me stand still and watch this hate filled world go by.
Whiteness is the most evil weapon this world has endured.
That is still enduring.
Native “Americans” and all other beautiful people of color are tokenized, discriminatized, brutalized, and hypnotized to hate themselves by this power structure called whiteness.
My ancestors will not let me sleep.
Will not let me breathe if I do nothing.
That is why I must fight.
I must use this skin of no color to my advantage to tear down this invisible institution of racism.
My ancestors have opened my eyes.
My ancestors.
People of the Creek.

Champion McConnell,

I very much well want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Love,
Hailey

"people of color can't do that."

self fulfilling prophecy right there.

I will yell at the po.
I will say what ever i want.
Racist white motherfuckers.
thats what i said.
You can say whatever the fuck you want to the police.

But according to her people of color can't do that.

you are fearful.

Fear allows the police state to thrive.
If people of color don't stand up to the abuse dished out by cops, then who will?
White people are largely ignorant.
The majority of them won't do it.

Stop letting fear rule your life.
Weak.

They have brainwashed you to be fearful.
Fuck them and fuck you.
What are you scared of?
death?
You are going to die no matter what.

Take back the night.
those seem more like words than anything else.

How about some action?

Stop being silenced. You are doing it to yourself. so you are the only one who can stop it.

"Well not everyone has the courage to do that. It's not that easy."
Self
fulfilling
prophecy.

Stand up for yourself.
If everyone did that.
There would be a fucking revolution.

Human beings make me sick.
you make me sick

the biggest mistake is putting any trust in the police.
Police have no rights to do anything.

Police are violence.
Police are fear.

Get rid of the fear. Take back your identity.

Stop making excuses.
Learn to use your fucking voice.

Mermaid Tarot

cry cry cry cry cry cry cry!

skin moist with ocean spray.

Strength.
8th card.
Sum.

I will overcome all with my strength and optimism.
Why worry then?

I still do.

I want to be a spiritual teacher.

I opened myself up to forces unseen and let the pendulum dangle.
She knows about me and him.
She is aware of the love and soul connnection we have.
She doesn't even truly like him.
She is going to do something to me emotionally to hurt me.
She is going to show her truth.

I don't know what will happen.

I think I will know when she will do this confrontation.
I just want to stare into her eyes and laugh though when that time comes.
She isn't doing it with hostility.
It will be a friendly approach.
But I don't care.
No simple female like her will break our bond.
No male has done it. No female will do it.
We transcend gender.
We transcend.
We have a bond that knows the earliest of history.

Sorry. He loves me.
I love him.
Soul mates.
Enough said.

NOW goodbye.
Have a nice life.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Lady Green Moth

Lady Green!
Lady Green!

You sit so peacefully on the bathroom wall.
Wings folded protecting your heart when you are grounded.
When you touch base with reality.

But when you fly...
Oh Lady Green!
When you open up your wings and fly, soar into the blue third eye of Mother Nature, you let your heart, your soul remain unprotected.

You know, I am not that different from you Lady Green Moth.
I too leave my heart unprotected at times.
I think it is healthy.

Yes.
I converse this with you.
You just sit there so stoically.
I know you understand me though.
You are a soul.

Hopefully, soon, I won't be flying alone.
Hopefully, soon, he will kiss me again and fly with me.

I feel like you understand.
Lady Green, you prefer flying as much as I do.

I am One with Time.

All the events of this week could easily fit into a month.
It came at me so fast.


But I loved and hated every minute of it with a passion so imbued within my soul.



I don't feel like anybody is a threat to me at the moment.
He will see in the end what is meant to be.
I see it now.
He just needs his time.
3 to 5 months time.


I want to tell him...
I am willing to make the effort to be with you forever in this life.
I will tell him in retrospect what i think everything means.
Last year i was so depressed and i felt so empty inside because i was denying my soul who it really wanted to be with.
I wanted to explore "my options" but my only true option was right there all along.

I knew it.

I think it is problematic finding your soul mate so young because when one is young you want freedom.
I wanted some freedom to do what i want.

But i will tell you a secret...
IT IS SO NOT FUCKING WORTH IT!

if you find your soul mate at a young age...work through the problems.
don't be selfish.

I regret it everyday until i am in his arms forever again.



now....

i just have to wait.



oh susan oh susan oh susan!
please give me the strength, patience, and understanding.

Susan

that's my guide closest to me.
she hums me to sleep.
she gives me answers when i seek.

Champion took me to the psychic to get spiritual help, in the end he got the most help.

I started crying the moment she asked me why there was disappointment in my life.
I cried because I didn't know the feeling was that strong.
I feel like i am never good enough for my mom.
She told me to disengage.
It would be ok.
It is hard though.
She is my mother. I love her.
In one past life, i was a servant to her.
That's where the strictness comes from.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH NOW!

Champion and I are soul mates.
I knew it.
We made a pact with God before we came down to live this life that we would live it together.
It's funny.
When i first laid my eyes on him in high school...there was a recognition felt.
A soul recognition.
In past lives we were Hawaiian. We were brother and sister. We were also married in one life. We were African slaves then. I was also a missionary in China and took him in and raised him. He was a homeless Chinese boy.

Our bonds are deep.

It also makes sense now why i am such a fighter for social justice and against racism. why i feel so connected to Africa although in this life i have no ties.

He is more confused than i am.
It's ok though....i feel that once you know you are soul mates..you cannot stay apart for long.

We still need a lot of communication.

He likes this girl right now.
The physic straight out told him though that she is a manipulator and is using him.
In 3 months something will happen that will open his eyes to her true intentions.
He is also going to get a break in LA with his music.
She told him to get out of Santa Maria.
I knew he needed to do that.

I did the fairy cards today.
Marriage literally flew out of the deck.
I would marry him.
But that doesn't mean i will give up my dreams.

Oh I will also be writing a book in this lifetime.
Look out for that. :)

I suggest everyone get a reading.
It is a life changing experience.

Chosen

Mukhtar.
Damn.
Potential?
Definitely really amazing friend.
Came when I was really depressed.
Now it's not so hard.

Hang out tomorrow....just talk.
Paint.
Sun.
I will tell him I understand now.
But that no GIRL will ever love him the way and how much I do.
Ditto.
Vice versa.

Washington DC came at the perfect time.
Worth getting sick again.
I will go back....
This time with more jackets!

I am coming to the conclusion of where I want to go.
What I want to do.
These conferences are educational to the max...
But in the end I really love the bonds that I form with people.

It makes my life so much more enjoyable.
I forget to soul connect with people at school sometimes.
I have made many new friends.

I think my heart is getting ready to heal now.
Yes.

"How can so much good exist in such a tiny heart?

And despite of all the pain she's in,
she never falls apart.
And if she does it lasts the length of seven songs
She dries her tears on her best friend's sleeves and dances
right along."

Oh, if only I could get like that.
If only it was so easy....

Don't be dependent....dependent on the magic.
The only true energy, the only true change is in yourself.
Remember that.
I sometimes forget.
If only it was so easy...

When I die I want to come back as a cat for awhile.
Animals are not here for us.
And we are not here for them.
It's symbiotic.
Their souls are no different from ours.
In the relationship, it is just two souls connecting and rejoicing.
Two souls loving.
That could be your soul one day as a dog.
Makes me want to become vegetarian.

I just want the page to turn already.
I just want to my heart to fully heal.
I want his heart to fully heal.
I just want to live.

Why is it so hard sometimes?

Dot

I have this red dot right in the middle of my wrist.
It hurts when I scratch at it.

It's just a tiny red dot.
Perfectly round.
So little.

It just appeared out of nowhere.

It is my beginning to my end.
It is my pain leaving my body.
Red is grounded.

chakra chakra chakra chakra

I can talk to the fairies for you, if you want?

It might just be a cut....a minuscule cut.
But what would life be without intuition?
Without reading into things spiritually?
Make the normal abnormal.

That is my goal.

.

Cooperative Living.

Fuck.

I am going to be living in the Newman co-op next year and then hopefully in the Biko house once a spot opens up.

I am super excited.
And I am not going to lie....I kind of want a boy roommate.
Girls are chill though....

As long as they are comfortable with me walking around naked in the mornings and me taking 30 minute showers :)

Ah! I think I may finally have a place to call my own though.
This year I did not belong anywhere.
I don't have a room at home in Santa Maria, I don't have a room at my aunts, and I don't have a room at Sandy and David's to call my own. (Although I am eternally grateful for their hospitality.)

I will finally have half a sanctuary.
I am going to paint a mural on my wall.
I am going to write poetry on my walls.
I am going to put up all my art that has been hidden these past 2 years all around the apartment.
I am going to have a shrine dedicated to air fairies in my room.
I can display all my wonderful books.
I can finally have my granny's quilt and my beautiful 60's flower comforter on my OWN bed.
I can play my record player and dance around again!
I am going to perfect my sandwich making and salad tossing.
I am going to make banana pudding next year...southern style.
Who knows?
If I am financially OK I might even get a kitty all my own.

Mhm. Next year is going to be wonderful. I just know it :)

Radio playing

ad after ad after ad.

I make up your life inside my own head.
You are doing this.
You are going there.
You are thinking of me.

Invisible conversations occur as luke warm water runs down my back, down my breasts.
My body is transformed into a passage way into an ether conscious mind fuck.
Dreams are a personal heaven and hell.

I haven't parked my car on the edge of the world in awhile.
I haven't inhaled poison in awhile.
I have drank it instead.

When I stop thinking of relationships
When I stop getting annoyed by the human condition
I FLOURISH!

The man with so much wisdom who made his voice into a musical instrument said
"It's not about the world...it's about LIFE."
He sang about Africa as a mother.

My soul is going to fly one day.
It is going to make it to heaven.
It is going to come back as a bluebird.

I swear....in my past life....I must have been an African.
I should investigate this.
I need to dance like a Sufi in a trance.
I NEED to be in a trance.
I need to go back in time in my mind.

drunk on love

i have onion breath.

i saw spoken word like its never been heard.
my only thought "i can do this shit."

i walked the streets by myself
do not call me
you fucking bois
i am not your "black widow"
what the fuck does that mean?

If you were intelligent you would know that the female black widow eats her mate.
You will eat me first however.

my pleasure is all you need.
Ice your blue balls.
i dont give a fuck.

he bit me hard.
so hard.
i have the marks on my back.
You fucking queer boi.
I love you though.

you hide.
you hide you identity.
your sexuality.
it's ok.
i understand.
I hide too.
I am so confused.

i should go to sleep.
i have work tomorrow.
fucking corporation work.
fuck.
i only do it so i can go to school
so i can live with the hippies.

in the end my life will be an artistic revolution.
i will travel the world living off of human beings generousity.
I will write.
write.
write.
write.

Oh! fuck me!
fuck me so hard!
love my vagina.
rub my clit.
it is a loaded pistol.

I hide myself.
You talk so much.
I know alot about you>>>

But do you know that much about me?

Fuck love me...
You aren't a season lover.
you are a lifetime

i am so drunk..kinda.
fuck the rum.
fuck the love
why did i text you?
Angel!
i knew you wouldn't respond.
they never respond.

Now i will go take out my eyes and wash away my everyday face and slip into dream land.
goodnight human beings.
fuck you and love you.

Life is one giant fucking.
orgy parties at Biko.
lets be real i will join those.

i love you.
don't ever forget that.

Sifting Through Time

Looking for my African prince in all conventionality.
I would dress his wounds after his revolution for humanity.

Oh, you see I just long for him to hold me in his ebony arms.
For his hands to delicately slip between my thighs.
His lips to caress mine so smoothly.
I want him to taste me.
I want to taste him.
His tongue tracing ancient ruins over my bare skin.

Then when the night is done.
He will leave in the morning to fight against everything my color of skin stands for.
He will fight against the oppression.
Exploitation.
Racism.
Capitalism.
ism ism ism.

I too will walk down that path.
Fighting against the power structure that calls itself whiteness.
Most people don't see that side of me.

And that is perfect.
Those who share in the exploitation of beautiful human beings whose skin is darker than their white skin....
Will never see me coming until it is too late.

He sees that side of me.
He loves me for it.
And at night our bodies melt into one.

One revolution.
One fight.
One love.

Oh, my African prince is so much more.

I will know, when our eyes meet.

Imbued With the Goddess

Fem.
Fem.
Feminist thoughts overpowered my mind.

You, boy, disgust me.

The histories, the pain, the emotions, THE SOULS of womyn past overwhelmed me.

You want a piece of meat?
Go fucking make out with the corpse of a cow.
I am more than the physical.

I transcended the barriers.

But can I always be like this?

The system's roots go deep deep deep, so deep.
They rise and constrain me.
Strangle my breath, my life.

It's only when I have fooled them into thinking I am a fem-bot sheep that they relax their grip.
Then I can attain a glimpse of freedom.

Soon those roots will lay dying as my free words and actions hack them apart.
I will bathe in the blood of a dying patriarchy.

But I cannot do it alone.
Will you join me?

Invincible

Nothing can hurt me.

I am sick sick sick sick sick.
Terribly sick.
All the time.

But it doesn't faze me.

Doctor visit one.
two.
three.
four.
five.
six.
seven.

I don't think about it.
Internal sickness.
Easier to forget.

I do need to eat better, sleep better, live better.
Vitamins.

I don't think about it because it scares me.

If I live like it doesn't exist it won't hurt me.

But I am not invincible.




I just want to go home and have my mom hold me.

Wicca.

I always knew it.
felt it.
loved it
lived it.
breathed it.

It's sometimes nice to have a path of guidance.

I know I'm not alone in my thinking.

However, I don't do well with structure.
Religion is structure.
No matter what you call it.
I know Christianity and Wicca are completely different but,
they are both religions.

I really like Scott Cunningham.
He calls Wicca a religion but also stresses how open they are.
You make Wicca.

I'm not going to call myself a witch.
But, my beliefs about the world coincide very greatly with Wicca and I will practice certain aspects of it.

I've been wanting to get more spiritual.
My friend started reading the book.
I found the book at a mystic store that I love.
To me, I stumbled upon Wicca.
And it's good.

It will help me stay devoted.
I am most interested in energy and visualization.

And communicating with animals.
All sorts have been in my dreams lately.

My phoenix is close to flames now.

Sun Dust.

Words.
words.
WORDS.

rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.rant.

please.....SHUT UP?

I like the silence sometimes.
I like just sitting there not saying anything.
I like talking about NEW things.
Leave some things in the past.
That's where they belong.
And I don't dwell there.

anymore.

"hello officer."

Oops I did it again....

mhm i did it again and again and again.

But I am fine now.
I have always known this but...
people come to you when you most need them, but you can't search for them.
it's like happiness.

and...
people are more drawn to you when you ARE happy.
It's a cycle.
I experienced it this week.

Observe:
an action so charismatic
you cannot help but feel that everything is astronomic.

I See.

Morbidity is Righteous.

Great Bald Eagle.
Bigger than my life.
Tried to fly.
But you belong to America.

In my dream I saw a phoenix.
I was connected to it.
It was withering away and dying.
It was ugly.
It was me.

But that only means that my rebirth is coming.
And the time will not be long.
My phoenix is preparing to die.
To kill it's old ways once and for all.

Hopefully my next dream,
My phoenix will have already burst into flames.

Fire is cleansing.
Fire gives the sage life.

Eyes

It hasn't rained much this year.
The angels must have less to cry about.
But the oceans have become deeper from the tears of humans.
Has God forsaken us?
One must wonder in this world we live in.

So my friend is doing this documentary on her families stories from El Salvador and it really makes me want to learn more about my family history.

My grandparents immigrated here from Poland to Chicago.
When I read The Jungle by Upton Sinclair I couldn't help but wonder if that's what it was really like.
I know they shortened our last name from Pawlachek to just Pawl because it wouldn't be that obvious that they were immigrants.
Americanization.
I know both my grandpas served in the military.
Along with my uncle, and he had some wicked paranormal experiences in his life.
I know my great granny was a Rosie the Riveter during the Great Depression.
I know we are related to the Presley's (you know, Elvis) through marriage.

I need to ask questions.
They won't be here forever.

My mom's side of the family has their history laid out in The Book of Jones.
And my great uncle is really into tracing our family history.
But I just don't ask.

When I asked my mom about our Native American blood, she told me things that I never knew.
So I know for sure I am 1/16.
My great great grandmother was full Creek Indian and married a white man.
So my grandpa's father was half.
This can get so confusing sometimes.
My great granny used to take my mom and her brother to reservations so my mom was exposed and she said when she was little she was always interested in learning about Native Americans.
And she told me we hadn't traced it yet, but that they were always told that we had Cherokee blood.

When I was little my mom would expose me and my sister to Native American culture and I loved it but I never fully knew the meaning.
It was just exciting.
And I loved hearing the stories by the elders at the campfire.
That was always my favorite part.
Native Americans have some damn good storytellers.
Oral tradition.
Something that has been lost in this generation.

I've always felt a connection to this part of me.
I have great reverence for it.
It's a part of me that needs to be explored more.
I used to be hesitant in telling people because I look fucking Aryan.
My Polish genes shine through physically.
And sometimes when I tell people, I can see the judgement in their eyes.
But I'm proud of it.
Culture is not skin color.
Native Americans are a strong people.

I regret not exploring it more but now is never too late.

I think my spirit animal is a bluebird.

Oh! And my mom's side of the family owned slaves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK!
Southerners.
I asked her if we had African American blood but she said no.
However, rape was a common weapon.
So I might have some black family members out there.

Essentially I believe we are all family, but it would still be cool.
Not going to lie.

I see many learning experiences before me now.

? QuesTion.

If you stop questioning...
the answers will come.

like my bluebird of happiness will come.

Epiphany:
Weed can do wonders.
But according to Jerry Rubin it must remain illegal....for it to be a revolution.
I think people refuse to try it or try it again...because they are afraid.
I was afraid.
Weed IS a truth serum.
Some people can't and never will face their truth.

I am ready.

Weed has shown me many things about myself.
It has taught me things.

However, I will always stand by my original opinion about drugs...
YOU DON"T NEED THEM TO DISCOVER YOURSELF.
They are shortcuts.
You can always have epiphanies and find the pieces of you without doing a substance.
It just takes more work and time.

Last night.
I found my inner strength.
I'm not that afraid to walk down a street by myself anymore.
I'm not afraid to talk to someone I have never seen before.
Beautiful souls.
They glowed.

We are all humans living in this fucked up world together.
But humans have made this world fucked up.

And that's a disgusting realization.
It's easier to fall and lay there than to stand back up.

So far,
I'm sitting on the ground.
My strength is coming.

Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

horoscopes.
text messages.
music.
smile.
tear.
smile.
tears.
a forced kiss.
invisible conversations in the shower.

we spun around and around.
creating our own world.
drunkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
no recollection of the song playing.
She smelled so good.

I refuse to give myself identities sometimes.
i am what i am.

I will play the LOVE card.
Love is not an identity.
Love has no laws.

I will love who I want.

Don't ask me my sexual orientation.
I don't know and I don't care.
I just live in the moment.
Who I am with.

My horoscopes have come true so far.
Coincidence?Self-fulfilling prophecy?

I see the power of positive energy.
Please don't go away....

I like this feeling right now.

"Don't question it. You are so bi!"
Girl! you are a lesbian. Of course you want me to be bi!
ha ha ha

I'll give you a kiss though.

tExxxxT

"I love you hailey. I love you so much im going to see to it you're emotionally independent so the best of hailey will shine everyday independently in any circumstances. I promise. But you must be mindful until then".

Thank you.

My mmmmm mmmind is a fast track.
Overthinking. Overanalyzing.
Is it me?
Is it me?
"What the fuck is wrong with me?!"
I yelled to the only star I could see.
I was beginning to be fine.
But then he came along.
He screwed up.
No sorry....
I screwed it up.
Old habits die hard.
Fuck this.
I need to be happy alone.
alone.
alone.
solace.
I used to be independently emotional.
What the fuck happened to me?
I think it is a mixture of things that I need to finally come face to face with.

I want it to be next year already.
But when I think about it.
I want it to be next year because I feel like I can start new.
But it needs to start NOW! NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!

My grandpa's mind is withering away.
Last night he peed in the hallway.
He thought it was the bathroom.
He is scared.
I would be too.
I am scared.
I am scared for my mom.
I am scared for my grandpa.
I am scared for my family.

It will all be OK in the end.

Yeah...I keep telling myself that.

Poetry That Belongs to the Past Part Deux

I have so much!!!!


Why is it that medicine causes more sickness than what you've already got.
"Side effects include..." it drones on and on.
Just inject me with the sleeping sickness already so I can close my eyes and forget my fears.
One day I pulled off my epidermis layer by layer...
getting rid of all my flaws.
By the time I was done, only my heart was left.
At least one thing remained untouched.
But my transparent lips spoke too soon
for my heart soon came to know the world and it too crumbled away
like ash into the iridescent breeze.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I flew over the countries ti's of thee
but there was only "ONE nation under God".
He was 16 and sent to Vietnam to fight the war on terrorism.
He barely touched the communistic dirt before he was shot in the back of the head.
A vision flew forward out of his eyes as he fell into a swamp.
He saw a little girl in a blue dress filling a yellow hole with crimson blood.
Hitler came up and took her by the hand.
He was wearing the star of David.
(Maybe we are what we fear.)
He did not know what this meant as water filled up his lungs.
All he knew was that he was dead.
Suddenly he was standing by his floating body, the army green and red.
And he cried as he realized...
That only some humans really see history.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm in a state of despaired disdain.
It's like when your cells are parched
but you've already drunk all of the half full glass of water.
The glass is dry but you're still thirsty.
So you start chewing the glass.
It's a liquid too.
But the boy next to you still has a full glass...and he's not even touching it.
So you stop and stare at him, blood dripping, eyes wet.
You throw chicken bones at him and start humming a lullaby.
Voodoo never worked for you,
but neither did anything else.

Poetry that Belongs to the Past

Tell me now, oh yes now, how it feels to suck the life,
inhale the same molecules as kings.
Letting it quiver on your tongue bringing sharp pains (of memory) onto your teeth.
Slithering down your throat.
cool as rain water
[(Do you thirst? Do you thirst?)]
As it [of] fills up your lungs
decayed or [what] not.
You feel [could've] like your ribs will burst out.
Can you now feel [been] your blood
greedily [?] thrive?
Hear it.
Tell me, are your fingertips tingling?
Adrenaline.
But why? Why? Why?
You take the step before you exhale.
What force pushed you, please tell.
Do you keep the breath, the life, inside of you?
NO, it is sharply subdued and moves on for me to live.
But please now, please, tell me...
How was your last breath as you plummeted to Death?

(I love ee cummings, if that helps you read the [])

-----------------------------------------------------------------
The archaic monstrosity of atrocity
leaving the sky bleeding luminosity.
I am sick, terribly sick.
The Burning Giraffe only knows how to lick
the life, the magic.
How do you think the oceans were formed?
The tears from Hell have swarmed.
Flies, like flies, The Lord of the Flies
is what fills us with lies.
Stop, STOP, stop before tomorrow, today.
Don't let the clock strike 13 and be erased away.
Please live in color in a black and white aggression.
You don't live twice to learn a lesson.
Maliciousness will find amnesty.
All you are is a damn casualty.
Find the cognitive cure and you too will be
Lifted up into streams of rainbow consciousness with me.
Covet life with an utmost sincerity, as it is,
the flesh ripped from your dyed black dust of bones till you are safe from all calamity.

I once knew upon once a time a man, a boy, a girl, a womyn, a baby, a child, a grandfather, a grandmother, a "pornographic priestess" and...you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Poetry is at its best when writ with passion and most importantly PAIN. Only pain can bring to the surface good poetry and art."
She told me this as she shot my father in the back of the head.
BANG!
She smiled as his body fell forward and then rushed to her desk like a mouse, smearing the papers with blood,
She wrote one of the most god-fearing renowned, down-in-history poems for the 21st century.
We made millions.
I was then a "rich kid".
She remarried...had my brother...then divorced.
Writer's block plagued her.
She had depression, but not pain.
"When you have no words to put with your poetry. You need to create your own passion."
She flustered as she held my brother's head under the bathtub water.
She stood in meditation staring at his floating body before wandering to her desk.
Her clothes soaked.
I swallowed my tears.
She won an acclaimed award for her painting.
Years passed with money and more awards and more mysterious "accidents".
One day I told her I wanted to write a poem.
She gave me a kiss on the forehead and asked me what my passion was?
I told her the only passion I knew for I had learned from the best.
I shoved her down the stairs and got my award.

Love.

How can something cause so much happiness, yet so much pain?

I don't even think true love exists in human relationships sometimes.
Only in God.

I believe that God is just energy.
I believe that God(or whatever one may call it) is pure, honest love.

Pure love.

I think hell is living without love.
Even if one does not believe in God, they still have love everywhere around them regardless.

Mm, who really knows anything anyways?

Story Book

So my sister called me.
She told me her story of how she got really high and passed out 3 times.
I laughed.
"Be careful."

Then she told me something about him.
Jenn saw him at a high school dance.
With the girl that always gave me bad vibes.
I now have justification.

Why are you still stuck in high school?
You are so creative.
You are meant to live a larger life...

I can read peoples vibes very well.
I think it's because I am so observant.
Faces cannot lie.
Eyes cannot lie.
The tone of your voice cannot lie.
Your energy cannot lie.

I thought I just didn't like her because she was a girl flirting with my boyfriend at the time.
But I am not a jealous person.
It was my insecurities that have built up inside of me that split our connection.

I have no right to be upset or mad.
No right at all.
Especially looking at my actions and thoughts.
But why her?

Fuck!

I WANT IT ALL TO JUST STOP!

I want the wind to take away my soul.
I want to scream and let my love escape.
I want to...
i want to...

Just start new.

But Life never works out like that.

Whatever happened to "Life is easy with eyes closed. Misunderstanding all you see."

I want to go back to Strawberry Fields Forever sometimes.

But my eyes have been torn OPEN.
I am ever changing.
Everyday.

I can never go back in time with what I know now.
With what I have done now.

Never.

Bubble Worlds

So as I was driving to work today I saw 3 people standing in this field on the side of the highway.
They looked like travelers.
Young.
They had 3 puppies who were playing with each other.

It was beautiful.
I was transfixed.
I couldn't stop watching them.

And strangely, I was jealous.
Briefly.

Sometimes I wish I could trade lives with people for a little while.
See how it is.

Human beings live in bubble worlds.
I think everyone from time to time forgets that we are a part of a bigger painting.
Sometimes our bubbles expand and brush against other people's bubble worlds.
We get stuck inside our own manifested bubble.

But never forget, bubbles can pop.

Elefante.

It's always there in the room.
Staring at me.
Reminding me.

I threw a rainbow quilt over him so he would stop peering into my soul.
His eyes bore through nevertheless.

I took a machete to chop off his head.
Kill his memory once and for all.
"Get Out of My Head!"
But the blade slipped right through him.
Like a whisper...

I cut myself and my blood splashed across the wall.
"Now look at what you've done. Ha ha ha!"

It will heal. Time always heals wounds.

"Yes. But the scar remains forever."

Just like my elephant will remain forever.
I might just as well get used to it.

February Fourth Two Thousand and Nine

I wrote this after watching a short documentary called Rape is... This is one of my personal steps to recovering my voice that I didn't even know I had lost. I am a writer, more than a speaker.

Hands shaking.
Was it/Is it the cup of coffee or was it/is it the movie?
Rape is...
Rape is...
Rape is...
ME.
Right?
It was rape?
I did not feel right when I woke up.
When he touched me the morning after it felt like shocks of electricity right to my soul.
Whatever part of my soul was left.

Sometimes I think I'm just being dramatic.
Dramatizing the memories in my head.
I silently consented at first {?} (But if felt wrong.)
But then it hurt.
I said ow!STOP!
Then...
I don't remember.
I was drunk.
It was not my fault.

But...Why do I feel like it is?!?!?
Why can't I talk to anyone?!?!?
Why am I afraid to talk to anyone?!?!?

I've been swallowing my tears for so long.
Oh that movie!
That movie.

Fuck!

I do not believe that I have low self esteem.
I don't want future relationships to be screwed up.
Yet
I have not talked about it at all.
I have bottled it up and thrown it in the ocean of my mind hoping that it will never be found.
Yet
taking a step back
discussing it in my mind

I DO HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM.
I throw my body around. trash.
I don't care.
This ruins any relationship I have ever had interest in.

AND I CAN'T STOP!

But I want to stop.
But I don't know how.
I
don't
know
how.

Maybe...? NO!
I need help. i need help. i need help.
I need help.

I should let someone read this.

Translucent.

Verified.
Into the depth of my mind's eye.
You can never really know anything about Life until you know yourself inside and out.

And that just might take up your whole life.

Fucking Crazy

Vibes dance around sporadically all over the room.
Hit in the heart.
Hit in the stomach (where butterflies have taken up residency).
Hit in the third eye.
Hit hard in the soul.

My eyes have seen more than my mouth has uttered words.
My heart has loved more, even more than all the lips I've kissed.
My soul has fluctuated in growth.

All of these people.people.people.people.
Everywhere.
We all affect each other more than we recognize.
I can remember people like the girl I would always ride my bike by.
She would always be singing as the sun was setting.
She had a beautiful voice.
I complimented it once as I passed her by.
I wonder why I remember her so well?

I need some fire.
I need some love.
I need some happiness internally.
I need some revolution.

That is my quest.

Beautiful (?)

You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart. Then people gonna treat you better. Your gonna find, yes you will, that you're beautiful as you feel.

Take off your clothes.
Stand in front of the mirror.

When you realize that it has all been lies. Terrible lies
that have scarred your eyes into believing a fairytale.
Until the minute you open your mouth and the words you speak...
Is that your voice? You can't tell.
Society calls you a fucking freak.
But you are the one that is weak.
Your cynical smile
and your words that are so sly.
These tears that I cry
are for humanity.
It has become a soul-destroying monstrosity.
My skin represents the "pure snow"
and I might not know
cannot relate
to the racist hate
on a personal level like you.

But I want you to know that I see it.
I see what it does.
I can recall what it has done.

And that I will give my dying breath to see it overrun.

I feel your vibes.

I can read you so easily.

Maybe it's because we are so similar?

Or it's because we are so damn different.

Just dance.

You know...
I believe that happiness shouldn't come at the expense of others.
And I believe that you must first be happy and content with yourself and being alone before you can share happiness with someone else or have someone else make you happy.

However, many people, including myself, do not follow this.
It's common sense too.
But then again, American society is not one to recognize common sense.

"If it was a snake, it would have bitten you on the nose!"

I've always known this. But now I want to put it into practice.
I am not content right now.
Fuck!

This weekend was drama.
But communication is always key and now things are peachy in the friendship department (well at least on my side).

But the drama of this weekend was only superficial.
The underlying cause of my discontentment is that I don't feel like I'm living fully right now.
I started to feel like this on Monday.

Last week was not a good week.
I think this week will (hopefully-cross my fingers hope to die-) be much better.

Life is just to routine now.

I got my palm read by one of Champion's family friends at the time.
She was legit, not one of the fakes.
I had just met her and she knew things about me and my character that only people who knew me for awhile knew about!

Anyways, one thing she told me is that I will be doing a lot of traveling when I asked about my future.
And more and more, I believe it.
I love going to new places and I am now realizing that I can only stay in places for a short amount of time.

So expect to have a collection of postcards from around the world from me in the nearing future.

Refusion is a Subtelty that is Overlooked.

The cannibals just needed to survive, but fate intervened and I became overcooked.
I was boiling with the anger of a radical causation.
That took on the disposition of new age realization.

This archaic monstrosity of a history was damned to eternalize the sea.
I swam to Christopher Columbus and begged him to Let Us Be!
Africa has dark faces but their eyes are turned to the sun.
The dark continent is the New World where their lies are over spun.
A web of lies to support global decay.

All I wanted was for you to come out and play.
To forget the pain that your arrow caused.
Because, you see, this girl may be interrupted, but never paused.

Humanity may be the most beautiful thing, but it is also the most disgusting.

its not that easy

life.

i hate it.

ive never had a long term friend.
ive never had someone i could call my best friend for a period longer than a few years.

i hate it!

i fucking hate it so much.
i dont know why.

i just want to do something,\

i need to do something.

i just dont know what.

i just need to leave my comfort zone.

santa barbara is now a comfort zone,

i feel that if i live in biko
that i will start to explore.

im so confused.
but that means im learning.

Ridiculously High

So yes.
I'm usually a one-hitter-quitter.
But, fuck!

I took one hit and seriously....i was so fucking high.

I saw a fairy in a bush that was by the ocean.
I could only see her though if i acted like i wasn't looking at her.

Then I kept hearing spirits say my name and screaming.
It was like Hell was behind me.
But when I would turn around it was just the lagoon.
I mean think about it.
What is reality?

What's actually going on behind you when you are not looking?

Then I thought I was bowling.

Then I walked back home and I walked past a po po.
And i think its ironic.

The police are supposed to be "keepers of the peace" and make you feel protected...
but every time i walk past them a jolt of fear goes through my heart.
Enough of those and I'll probably die from a heart attack.

Also, I swear to Buddha, it felt like my soul was trying to escape my body.
I should have let it.

Damn.
I need to just hurry up and finish this school thing here in Santa Barbara.
I'm meant to do other things.
I feel like I should be doing other things RIGHT NOW!

I NEED to let my soul escape.

I'm just a girl, interrupted.

So I watched that movie tonight.
And I forgot how fucking amazing it was!

So I ordered the book.

She said she was going to be a writer and people scoffed.
But she did it.

I like that.

My uncle told me that no one can live off of dreams.
I smiled.
Nodded my head.
And thought to myself...

"Well I will prove you wrong."

It won't be easy.
Especially in this capitalist society.
But I don't care.

This life is too short to worry about material objects.
At the end of the day you don't remember what name brand somebody was wearing (unless you're a fembot).
You remember the people and emotions.

Well at least I do.

I think I am going to be a huge disappointment to my parents.
In their eyes at least.

Because I plan to actually live.

The true genius is in the padded room.

Who the fuck is anyone to call someone else crazy?

To fucking say that they need "medical help" because according to society they aren't normal.

Who they fuck can say that?
But it happens.
Anyone can be a psychiatrist/psychologist/psychoanalyst/fuck.
You can do it yourself.

My opinion.
My honest belief.

Those that are different according to societies standards are the ones that are truly living life.
They are closer to the meaning than they even know.

You can't fucking find the meaning of life in a cubicle.

Those that decide to live life like how they want are the true fucking geniuses of the world.
And society stuffs them into hospitals.
Forces pills down their throats.

Because if the secret on how to live a truly happy life got out...
Society as we know it would cease to exist.

And that's pretty fucking amazing.

My ears are clogged.

Literally.

It's not allowing my conscious to flow.

I need to fix that.

Muddled

So I'm meddling in human affairs and now my brain is all muddled up.
I'm confusing thoughts and emotions, attraction and distraction.

I never intentionally want to hurt anyone.
But I am my own.
I should be able to do what I want.
Right?

No.
Not when other souls are involved.

Human contact.
Physically, emotionally, consciously, sub-consciously, soulfully.
It can never be figured out.

Human Beings may be credited as the most complex and "intelligent" animals, but who ever said that was a good thing?

Haha

I'm regaining my poetic thought that I had in high school.

I love it.

But it scares me.

Because when I could write like this, I was in true love.

Who/What do I love now that has changed this???

Or have I finally started to become the person I want to be?
Am I the one that has done the changing?

Red

"Blood is the prettiest color of red."

She said this as she pricked her finger and spread the blood over her delicate lips.

They were the perfect color red.

Dreams can be Poison

Every time I see him and hang out with him...
I just want to grab him and hold his hand and kiss him like I used to.

I want to lay in his arms and kiss his neck.

But I'm scared...
I'm afraid he will pull away and push me away further.

I already know.
I saw it in my dreams.

And that was enough pain.